Implosion

I'm not even sure why I continue writing here. Nobody reads them. Nobody responds (which would require reading them first). It's like I don't exist. But then, isn't that part of the problem anyway?

Anyway, things have been pretty rough for the last 24hrs. This week I started slowly coming off of Luvox this week as per my PDoc's instructions last week. The instructions were to cut my Luvox dose in half for 3-5 days and then stop and go onto Cymbalta at 30mg, and then go up to 60mg after a week.

So Sunday night I begin the half-dose, expecting the next day to be rough. It wasn't. In fact, I felt pretty good overall. A bit drowsy, but I was in a good mood and my symptoms were minimal. This continued up until Thursday afternoon at around 3:15PM.

That's when I felt a relapse creep in. And that's literally the best way I can describe it; it felt like a fog creeping into my body, slowly.

My symptoms started to intensify. I became much more aggitated. The brainfog prevented me from focussing. I felt my muscles get tense, and eventually I started to feel jittery. I got REALLY drowsy and I felt my energy drop out from under me. My left leg then started to "pulse"; something I've felt before, and I know is just an irritated nerve likely from sitting awkwardly in my car (where I've spent most of my time since July) with my laptop.

Last night I still felt pretty rotten, but seemed to improve towards the end of the night. This morning I was hoping to wake up feeling better, but I didn't. I didn't feel as bad, but I knew my "demons" were still haunting me.

As the day has worn on, things have unravelled a few times. I started sobbing around noon, for no real obvious reason; I just felt like the pressure of everything that's been going on lately came crashing down on me today.

I mean, it probably seems obvious that this is likely due to the change in dose, but when you're going through it, it's hard to not just feel like you're going crazy.

I think social media had a bit to do with it too this week. There's been a lot of shit out there about American Thanksgiving and how that ties into the recent election and shit like the Dakota Pipeline standoff, and when you see if over and over and over again on social media, it's like pushing a button attached directly to your adrenals to release yet another flood of stress hormones.

I've seriously thought about taking a 'tech vacation' sometime soon (after the new year) just so I can unplug a bit and distance myself from all the bullshit going on in the world.

I fantacize about buying a camper van that I pimp out as a "geekmobile" and take it into the mountains and drive up and down the American West Coast. I have such strong urges to run away from this place; to disconnect and disappear for a while.

But it won't happen; certainly not anytime soon, at least not the camper van part. But to take some time away from technology altogether? Yeah... that might just happen.