Impersonal piece of paper
Friday I received an email from him saying that he'd filed the second round of paperwork and that it should be arriving in 1 to 2 weeks. Saturday after work when I checked the mail it was already there. I opened it with an almost complete lack of feeling, flipped through it and replied to his earlier email, telling them that when the court date came up in April that I wanted to be there for it. "We started the marriage together and even though the ending isn't something I wanted I still want to be there for it."
And after being calm, controlled and brave about that, he wrote back that there would be no court date, that the judge would merely sign and mail the final decree.
I wrote back a reply but didn't send it. I stopped myself short of doing that. I texted with a few DS members instead which was very helpful. One was especially so, going far above and beyond, and I appreciate it so deeply there could never be enough words to convey how much it meant to me. I can only hope to pay it forward to others three-fold (or more).
So I'm going to release the words I wrote here instead. Perhaps a ghost of them will echo to him anyway. Who knows. Maybe not hearing any reaction from me will weird him out and he'll end up shaving the rest of his head bald instead of his odd mohawk.
"No final anything then. No joint moment of closure. Just a sad, impersonal piece of paper that makes everything magically go away for you. If only it could. I'd like to not feel anything anymore. I'd like to not be crying right now. I haven't your gift for forgetting or pretending. There is nothing. Just... nothing. Everything is ashes and pain and despair. Sorry but I just can't pretend right now. I'm so tired and sad and want to just not be anymore.I'd tell you not to worry but why bother. I don't really think you do anymore. Why should you? I'm just a stranger now, or a bad dream you were lucky enough to escape. No longer part of your monkeysphere. A last bit of business to be over and done with so you can ignore it into non-existence."
And after being calm, controlled and brave about that, he wrote back that there would be no court date, that the judge would merely sign and mail the final decree.
I wrote back a reply but didn't send it. I stopped myself short of doing that. I texted with a few DS members instead which was very helpful. One was especially so, going far above and beyond, and I appreciate it so deeply there could never be enough words to convey how much it meant to me. I can only hope to pay it forward to others three-fold (or more).
So I'm going to release the words I wrote here instead. Perhaps a ghost of them will echo to him anyway. Who knows. Maybe not hearing any reaction from me will weird him out and he'll end up shaving the rest of his head bald instead of his odd mohawk.
"No final anything then. No joint moment of closure. Just a sad, impersonal piece of paper that makes everything magically go away for you. If only it could. I'd like to not feel anything anymore. I'd like to not be crying right now. I haven't your gift for forgetting or pretending. There is nothing. Just... nothing. Everything is ashes and pain and despair. Sorry but I just can't pretend right now. I'm so tired and sad and want to just not be anymore.I'd tell you not to worry but why bother. I don't really think you do anymore. Why should you? I'm just a stranger now, or a bad dream you were lucky enough to escape. No longer part of your monkeysphere. A last bit of business to be over and done with so you can ignore it into non-existence."
Replies
sounds like a really tough day. Im glad you didn\'t write this to him cause he no longer deserves anything from you. Take care but most importantly, keep loving yourself more and more each day:)
Remember, only tap into the blessed power of ketchup when it is really needed as it\'s power is difficult to contain and the wave of repercussions could reach far and wide:)
I had someone ask me what the heck a \'monkeysphere\' was. Here\'s an article that describes the concept (language warning for those that are bothered by that sort of thing ;) ). http://www.cracked.com/article_14990_what-monkeysphere.html
What the world needs now, is ketchup, sweet ketchup! It\'s the only thing that there\'s just too little of... *grins at Blue* Maybe next year for Halloween I\'ll stock up on ketchup packets and give those out as treats! LOL
Yeah, it wasn\'t a great day in some ways. Not sleeping for about 30 hours probably didn\'t help either. And I barely ate anything either (203 calories, thank you for tracking me Lose It! ;p ). But thanks to a couple of people from DS poking a few holes in my self-pity (and you know, getting sleep ;) ) I\'m feeling more myself today. Equilibrium is back again, slippery little devil though it can be to keep hold of some days.