Immature
Davor got a credit card yesterday and all I could think about was him renting another hotel room for her. I don't know why the hotel thing makes me crazy, but since he was with her in a hotel after I thought they had broken up it makes me nuts. The last time we had a hotel room alone together (meaning not a waterpark with kids) was when we conceived our son on Mackinac Island on his birthday 6 years ago.
My weight has plateaud, then went up slightly, which infuriates me to no end. I fear if I'm not a size six no man will ever touch me again. I really had been good about watching what I was eating, and eliminating alcohol for the most part, it's not fair that my weight won't budge. I know if a man really loves you.... blah, blah... but I hate that's it's something I have to apologize for or feel some man will put up with. My vanity is tied into my femininity, and I don't feel sexually desirable when I'm especially large. To know that this other woman has a near perfect body as she's in lingerie on her FB page adds that much more resentment that I can't possibly compete. He sent her a note that he was developing deep feelings for her and was always so excited to see her. I pictured him half aroused when she'd walk through the door and they'd rip each other's clothes off and have sex all night long. I ache to wonder if that'll ever happen for me again, or if my sexually desirable days are behind me. I had to badger him for sex at the end there, and sometimes his erection would fade in the middle of it. Despite all our other issues, we always reconnected through sex. He use to be so excited to see ME. If he had gone away to visit his parents we'd barely make out of the airport.
The jealousy thing is so base, so petty, so self-indulgent, and I realize all that. When I look at these perfect pretty 20 somethings at my college it runs through my head that my husband could be with her. I also see the FB pages of these women on Davor's page that all seem to be more interesting than me, all have hobbies and lives that don't involve being mommy 24/7. I know taking him back would be immensely foolish. He obviously doesn't respect or love me the way a husband should. Part of what's driving my temptation to re-connect is that I may spend years now without someone in my life. I'm not looking to jump into a relationship immediately, but I know women who have moved on with their lives and really are single mothers that don't seem to date or get serious again. There are so many horror stories out there about men who exploit women who are vulnerable, or use them, or just lie and cheat. Despite Davor's propensity for anger, I always thought he was a good, loyal man. He'd always do sweet things for me like clean the kitchen at 3am, or buy me flowers out of the blue. He use to be so affectionate, but then he withdrew.
My weight has plateaud, then went up slightly, which infuriates me to no end. I fear if I'm not a size six no man will ever touch me again. I really had been good about watching what I was eating, and eliminating alcohol for the most part, it's not fair that my weight won't budge. I know if a man really loves you.... blah, blah... but I hate that's it's something I have to apologize for or feel some man will put up with. My vanity is tied into my femininity, and I don't feel sexually desirable when I'm especially large. To know that this other woman has a near perfect body as she's in lingerie on her FB page adds that much more resentment that I can't possibly compete. He sent her a note that he was developing deep feelings for her and was always so excited to see her. I pictured him half aroused when she'd walk through the door and they'd rip each other's clothes off and have sex all night long. I ache to wonder if that'll ever happen for me again, or if my sexually desirable days are behind me. I had to badger him for sex at the end there, and sometimes his erection would fade in the middle of it. Despite all our other issues, we always reconnected through sex. He use to be so excited to see ME. If he had gone away to visit his parents we'd barely make out of the airport.
The jealousy thing is so base, so petty, so self-indulgent, and I realize all that. When I look at these perfect pretty 20 somethings at my college it runs through my head that my husband could be with her. I also see the FB pages of these women on Davor's page that all seem to be more interesting than me, all have hobbies and lives that don't involve being mommy 24/7. I know taking him back would be immensely foolish. He obviously doesn't respect or love me the way a husband should. Part of what's driving my temptation to re-connect is that I may spend years now without someone in my life. I'm not looking to jump into a relationship immediately, but I know women who have moved on with their lives and really are single mothers that don't seem to date or get serious again. There are so many horror stories out there about men who exploit women who are vulnerable, or use them, or just lie and cheat. Despite Davor's propensity for anger, I always thought he was a good, loyal man. He'd always do sweet things for me like clean the kitchen at 3am, or buy me flowers out of the blue. He use to be so affectionate, but then he withdrew.
Replies