I’m supposed to know

I've been thinking about my relationship with others and my relationship with myself. Today while in service I thought about how things can get snippy within me and from others back and forth here at the monastery. It's human nature. I know we are here to serve and glorify god but the intensity of the environment makes the nerves brittle and it's totally understandable. We try to be elevated in our behavior and yet we're ultimately drawn down into our human animal natures and there is a grace in that acceptance. 
That set of goggles in terms of our natures helped me filter all that I was seeing and experiencing tonight as a result of understanding things better now.i sensed too I was more pleasant to be around I guess because I was liking myself too.

i came back to my room, and I needed to shift gears to being alone. I was with blue who is wonderful and the love of my life, but I felt like I couldn't keep thoughts straight in my head. My mind became a scrambled egg. I started to not be able to see things in terms of human nature or my own nature like I had so clearly seen when I was around others tonight. There was no other to bounce that off of. I realized that some of the things I was getting up to weren't so satisfying, which is a new thing a new awareness for me. It's OK to find things satisfying. I wondered if I was asking and expecting too much of my consciousness at that very moment. Was I asking above and beyond my reasonable human nature? It's OK to have my own path. It's OK not to know. I say this because when I was younger, I had a traumatic argument with my father once at a very young age 3 years old, I believe he yelled at me that I should know something and at that moment, my personality fractured Yet strangely, I suddenly knew what I was supposed to know. And so tonight, coming home to me being here by myself, I was confused or muddled in my head, not knowing what it was that I was relating to, and why I wasn't relating as I ought to. That use of the Word ought is important. I realize I was having a difficult time with my relationship with myself (asking too much of myself)and I felt I should know what that was because so long ago I was told I should have the answers always to moral and ethical questions as I said about set in place starting at age 3. It's very interesting because now I seem to understand things a little bit more clearer. I'm calm. I'm happier. I'm aware when I'm satisfied and I'm aware that when I'm not. I think so often. I've been lost in a cartoon of not my own making. Anyway, things are good. I'm going to bed. Have a good night.