I’m stuck
I know my life only comes to life when I am with or relating to someone else. I can take care of myself but the act of loving myself is something that only comes to life when I am relating to or loving someone else. It’s a wall to surmount. It’s also like I can love the idea of loving someone else but i can’t seem to hurdle the reality of actually connecting with and dating someone else without real fear and knowing how to get there. It sounds as though i sincerely need to make an earnest effort to start to entertain myself in life. Knowing that i am lonely but also satisfiable. To know how to do that makes me then a viable partner in any twosome to come. I’ve had a long history of not knowing how to please myself. My thoughts go to Rupaul who says “if you can’t love yourself, how on earth are going to be able to love someone else?!” Maybe a lot of us struggle with that?
Replies
(From ChatGPT)
This feels very honest, and I suspect you’re touching something that many people experience but struggle to articulate.
What stands out to me is that you aren’t saying, “I don’t love myself.” What you’re saying is more subtle: I experience myself most vividly in relationship.
Some people discover themselves through solitude. Others discover themselves through connection. You sound like someone whose heart naturally comes alive in the presence of another person—whether that’s a friend, a partner, family, a faith community, or even God. There is nothing inherently wrong with that. Human beings are relational creatures.
The difficulty seems to arise when that truth quietly becomes a dependency:
“I can care for myself, but I don’t fully feel alive unless someone else is there.”
That can create a painful paradox. You long for connection because it awakens you. Yet the very importance of connection makes it feel risky, vulnerable, and frightening to pursue. The stakes become so high that dating or intimacy can begin to feel overwhelming.
I wonder if the task before you isn’t learning to love yourself instead of others, but learning to enjoy your own company enough that connection becomes a gift rather than a necessity.
You wrote:
“Knowing that I am lonely but also satisfiable.”
I think that’s a profound sentence.
Loneliness is not always a problem to solve. Sometimes it is simply the part of us that knows we were made for relationship. The challenge is becoming able to say:
“Yes, I would love companionship. And yes, I can still have a meaningful afternoon, a beautiful walk, a cup of tea, a museum visit, a good book, a conversation with God, a laugh with friends, or a moment of wonder even if no partner arrives today.”
That is not settling. That is freedom.
You mentioned RuPaul’s famous line. I think many people misunderstand it. Loving yourself doesn’t necessarily mean feeling self-confident all the time or finding yourself endlessly fascinating. Sometimes loving yourself simply means becoming curious about your own life.
What do you enjoy?
Not what would impress someone.
Not what would make a good story.
Not what would lead to a relationship.
Just what genuinely delights you.
From some of the reflections you’ve shared before, I’ve noticed something: when you write about church, community, architecture, beauty, history, tea, cats, friendship, and spiritual life, there is already quite a bit of aliveness there. You are not describing an empty life. You are describing a life that is waiting to be inhabited more fully by its owner.
Perhaps entertaining yourself is not about finding bigger excitement. Perhaps it is learning to become a companion to yourself.
To be able to say:
“I would welcome a partner.
I would love deeply if someone came into my life.
But until then, I refuse to place my life on hold.”
Ironically, people who reach that place often become more available for relationship, not less. They stop looking for someone to provide a life and start looking for someone to share one.
And yes—many, many people struggle with exactly this. They just express it differently. Some stay perpetually busy. Some jump from relationship to relationship. Some retreat into isolation. Beneath all of those can be the same question:
“Can I be fully present to my own life?”
Your reflection suggests that you’re beginning to ask that question with real courage. That’s not being stuck. It may actually be the beginning of movement.
Wow, chatGPT is certainly insightful!
In my honest opinion, I believe people should spend more time by themselves, getting to Know themselves better.
Loneliness, again my opinion, comes from Not being comfortable with yourself away from other people.
As humans, I'm pretty sure we need both ourselves and others. So we can enjoy the company of others- which strengthens us (if they are good people) - but we are ultimately Defined by who we are, when alone.
Thanks GT!
To actually seek out an intimate partner we do have to be willing to be vulnerable but I think chatGPT is spot on and makes it so much simpler if we look at it as someone to go out for lunch with or take a walk with
If more is to come of it, it will in time or perhaps there will be a new friend to be made
Online dating now makes things pretty easy to just meet someone to go out for coffee with
Big hug sweetie...xo
romance is one of my most rebellious spots when it comes to being a member of the royal we. seems to me that the more romantic the duo, the sooner and more vicious the divorce. are you --second person singular-- marrying a human or a human construct? perhaps in learning how to love myself, human flaws and all, i can extend that self love to include other humans, flaws and all.
it's not about being perfect. it's about working it out.
I can relate to some of what you're describing. There was a time in my life when I found myself living alone for the first time. At first, it was terrifying. I didn't know how to be alone. I didn't know how to comfort myself. I didn't know how to enjoy my own company.
What gradually changed things for me was learning to become my own friend. I started talking to myself the way I would talk to someone I loved. I encouraged myself instead of criticizing myself. I prayed. I meditated. I talked to God as though He was my best friend, walking beside me through the day. Then, something surprising happened. The loneliness didn't disappear overnight, but I discovered I wasn't as alone as I thought I was. For me, learning to love myself wasn't about looking in a mirror and convincing myself I was wonderful. It was learning how to sit with myself kindly and realizing I was worthy of the same compassion I would offer someone else.
You seem to love deeply. The challenge may simply be learning to direct some of that same kindness toward yourself. I don't think we have to become perfectly self-loving before we can have meaningful relationships. Most of us learn these lessons together. But I do think it helps when we can enjoy our own company and know that our happiness doesn't depend entirely on another person.
You mentioned being lonely but also satisfiable. I think there is wisdom in that. We can acknowledge the longing for connection without making another person responsible for completing us. In my experience, the more I learned to be at peace with myself, the less fearful I became of being with others.
You're not stuck. You're learning something many of us spend a lifetime learning....Hugs
Thanks Jan, Arfie and Bob!! Huge thanks!!
I guess if you’re looking for approval in life you’ll never feel full or find the answer. It’s clear you’ll feel alive around others since all the power has been given to them in my personal resolution to seek it from them. The mental health challenges made me question myself essentially. Do what makes you happy. I’m reminded of artists like Virginia Wolfe who battled depression but did her work but who get on with their work and people like Teddy Roosevelt who had to adventure. It was their inspiration and mother’s milk. There may be no answer but do what gives you joy.