im proud of me

i told me stbx that i needed money.  i needed it to pay my sitter.  he didn't have it b/c of some nonsense with his money.  i asked him for the money on payday and hes like i dont have it.  its often something with him b/c he fails to plan.  he doesnt plan for me to need anything or our kids.  he's selfish, but hell he doesnt plan 4 him either.  he just doesnt plan. 
so the kids will be with him 3 days next week and im like do u nd any food? im not gonna leave the kids with no food b/c hes an ass.  we go 2 child support on monday. 
so im sure im doing the right thing.  good 4 me
i made a large payment 2ward my divorce.  im still bothered by it.  im bothered that my stbx doesnt/wont love me and that he doesnt c any reason or wont fight for our marriage.  that his word means so little. 
i dont trust him or believe him in so many things b/c of his ridiculous disloyal behavior.  im so afraid that hes gonna gradually leave our childrens lives.  b/c he couldnt or wouldnt do what shd have bn done with our marriage im afraid that he cant commit to anyone
and im damned the other way as well.  if he can love the children y wldnt he love me?  i know i am lovable.  i have to remind myself of this b/c i cant help but wonder.  they came from me and u can love them but not me?  but i know im lovable...but thanks to his bullshit i have to remind myself.
fuck me. fuck my life.  i am scarred.  no matter how wonderful loving caring sweet genuine i am i have to contend with the shitting treatment from my stbx.  and unfortunately the question now looms...am i unlovable? was i the problem? is there something wrong with me? logically i know the answers, but emotionally its just not that clear.  sucks.
i feel like a casualty of war.  he's waring with himself and with God and fucked up my life and the future i wanted for myself and my children.  i know that i will have another future, but it wont be the one that i had in mind. 
i have no doubt.  thats not true.  i have loads of doubts.  i hope that God will send someone else.  another husband.  a husband.  who can and is willing to love me like He tells him to.  and i will be able to c passed this hurt and love him like God tells me to.  and we will love our children and have a family...
but new challenges hve bn created.  my eldest daughter will have 3 fathers b/c my husband just cldnt or wldnt  love her mother.  thanks a lot asshole.  i feel so guilty for bringer her into this marriage.
i felt guilty for choosing her bio father who was an achoholic.  i thought i was giving her real father with my husband and now this.  i hope that she will continue to c him as her dad since he raised her from age 2, but what happens if i remarry? who is that man gonna b 4 her?  and what does this say to her about male femae love relationships? they have no permanency.  i hate what he has done.
and i hate that he thought of none of this.  none of this.  he ws haphazard.  he fucked up all our lives and gave it no fucking thought at all.
and im stuck picking up the pieces.  when she struggles with these things shes not gonna go 2 him, shes gonna come 2 me and im not gonna have any idea how 2 explain.  how to explain y her dad cldnt love me.  and make her believe that someone will love her.  if i was her i wouldnt believe it.
he thought of none of this when he just threw our marriage away.
i think thats it.  4 now