Im not doing it anymore.

For over ten years now since my husband died I have felt only guilt and anger but not anymore. Yesterday we would have been married for 21 years and it hit me how much I still miss him even if he was a fucking shit to me the last 7 years of our marriage there were some really good times, so Im going to start remembering those times instead of all the bads times and try to forgive him for myself so I can get better. For anyone or reads this, these are the things I miss about Andy:I miss the way he asked me out then took it back incase I refused himI miss the way he kissed me the first time it felt so sweet even if we were in a room full of people and someone told my mom.I miss the fact he had the nerve to ask my mom if it was ok to ask me out and if you knew my mom that would be hard.I miss our first date he was so nervous he couldnt talkI miss the way he use to brush my hair for hours at a timeI miss the way we made love for the first time and it only got better over the years.I miss the way he looked at me when I told him we were having our first babyI miss the way he stayed with me all the time I was giving birth to our son and how how looked when Mark was born.I miss the way he laughed when they said we were having twins, nothing was to hard for himI miss that he stayed with me during the girls being born and how proud he was to have 2 lovely daughtersI miss that he got up everynight 2 times to feed the girls and still go to work in the morning.I miss how he use to call me sexy when I got dressed up to go out.Then things started going wrong and over the time I forgot all these things I miss so much, but even when it was really bad I still loved him and wanted him and we still made love and at those times had the old Andy back who I miss.So for my kids and me Im going to start remembering all the good times so I can move on, and stop feeling guilt and anger because Im only hurting myself so when I feel like that Im going to read this journal.So anyone who reads this I hope you liked Andy if just a little bit, because I miss him and I never got to say goodbye to him.