I'm here in my little corner of the world, doing my thing

yes folks, last night I got to thinking:)

I was feeling pressure about my life

I was so much wanting a relationship and feeling lonely and not knowing where to begin.

I didn't know what to offer the prospective someone in my life

other than my company on a windy dark night - with my cat - watching

pbs on the laptop - and sharing the quiet time with a bottle of wine and some fruit

and cheese - just seemed like a really nice and realistic thing

for myself. I may not offer a grand story to the prospective other

or myself - but to me I think life is about sharing time and not always

needing to entertain and impress or perfectly indulge the whims

of your prospective other -it kind of feels like that's all we're doing is sharing

the ride...? eh?. That kind of 'sparkling' stuff seems crazy to me trying to write it

now - and indeed it feels sloganistic (in the sense that one might just go for cool) too but it's not entirely that/

I then talked to my Dad last night and the dynamics between us derailed me

but I decided to just keep on keeping on.

I slept well and then went down to chapel early this morning.

My mind was spinning about stuff - as in "What do these folks 'get' out

of standing in the meditative quality of services - standing for 3 hours at a time?'

What do I get out of it??

My hip starting hurting me and so I sat down a number of times.

I think I appreciate all of it in my own way, the services I mean. It's given me such a gift of 

predictability and space to be and think for myself.

I tried to be competent at serving and indeedI was and today went well.

Then after services I kind of thought about the difference between two types

of things. When I have made choices in my life - sometimes I think it has been because

I thought it would be cool - it seemed 'high concept' and so on - and then I have also had the more realistic thought about whether I really liked it or not, or whether it servied a good purpose or gave to me pragmatically.

Testing the waters?? Or living in a sloganistic vainglory? (that seems to be the theme for today)

I think maybe both kinds of mental frameworks

are within me. Again - my little corner of the world here - and processing shit to make myself

feel good and resolveld, but also sufficiently reflective on what I am experiencing - so that I learn -

and not just existing in a total state of ambivalence and confusion about how anyone gets through 

this lfe.

After services I had morning meal - and then decided to drive to the nearest Starbucks.

I was thinking about how much I want a house - and yet because of my limits- I don't know

if that would be right or achievable for me- the priority for me is really just saving as much money as possible

so that I can be well protected in the coming years. That would make me feel safe and smart.

I thought about my yearnings for things and then the ultimately exhausted feeling

I get when I think about working hard for that goal. I feel like I have been working hard

all my life and I guess at this point - I am realizing that I need to get something gratifying

about what I do - in order to make the striving bearable. As well - I think 

that maybe - 'do I want to work for it?' Not in a negative sense of judgement on me -

but I think I have had a vision in my head as to how I would like things to go - how things

are supposed to be - and so on - relating that to my real life - was a paradox and a contradiction in terms

and I think this reality added to my illness. I think things in life are a lot harder to achieve against

all the odds we face in life...I couldn't reconcile the two worlds within me back then, so it added to my

illness.

As I drove to coffee - I started doing something that I hadn't done in years - I visually started collecting

details of houses and style along the drive to give myself a kind of library of memory to draw on in order

to know what I like and in turn manifest the dreams by giving it specificity. It set me off into

a kind of pretentious sloganistic train of thought (key word today) - I felt like I was gliding along and realized that

some people think that way and others don't. I tried to ground myself in strength

and ground myself in constructive basics rather than start to be a fashionable person like I once played at

I think sometimes my goals are so set on the thought of what would be the coolest thing

to do and not necessarily about what you like. I think there is room for both - one thought might

be a doorway to experimentation and the assessment ex post facto is the grounding

thing that helps me know whether I feel like committing to it or not. The predictability of the monastery

has really promoted some goodness (healing and outlook) for me. Two priests have said to me

that some predictability in life promotes good....