im done.

I am at work right now, screaming inside my head. I don't know what I am doing here. I don't know i an doing and if the work is correct. Everyone tells me that I am doing fine and I wouldn't get get  fired unless i made a devastating mistake at some point. I don't want to do a job that makes me thins anxious in my life (I just remembered I have not taken my prozac yet today... should do that).
 
There are thoughts of suicide in my mind again. I keep thinking of it, obsessing over it. I want to take a significant amount of valium, fall asleep and not wake up. Doesn't seem like a messy was to go. I want to say goodbye to people around me, but I suppose that's what would go in the suicide note. There is no reason for me to be here. I am more destructive than anything.
 
My friends and co-workers want me to go to a hockey game tonight, comedy works tomorrow night and brunch on Sunday. I have no money to do any of these things and its frustrating to me to tell them all no. I want to be included and fit in. I want to do this to distract me from life, but I am at a point of exhaustion and I cant come out of it. I wonder if they would remember me after awhile of being gone. Death would certainly affect them, but I am sure they would move on as well. My family on the other hand I worry about. I don't know how they would take it. Even when I talk about suicide. depression, anxiety, they tell me to control my thoughts... nothing concrete, nothing supportive, however, they are very supportive in a crisis situation... like suicide.
 
I leave work in an hour to pic my dad up from surgery, therefore, thankfully my day here at work ends early and the weekend comes sooner. Although, it wont be much of a weekend... just a drug induced blur.
 
I will say I am good at fueling my depression and anxiety. I start to listen to depressing music, watch sad/depressing movies and just drag myself around the house drinking more and more.
Does anyone have suggestions? Recommendations? I am over this, I just want it to end.How inconsiderate of me to simply want to end the pain in hopes that everything next will be better than it is now and has been for so many years.