im a hypocrit

im so exhausted. i was up all night arguing with my h. arguing about y r u doing this 2 us. y are u doing this 2 our children. y r u doing this 2 me. im so angry. he tells me that we nd 2 separate it will make us better people. might be true, but it sounds like bs 2 me. sounds like a cop out. its just 2 hard 2 work things out...he says u can do better w/o me. he says. but he still has this other relationship. i dont think he gets that as long as thats still a factor it makes everything he says sound like a lie.

im so angry that i cant give my children a family.

and this child im carrying like myself will nvr live with both his/her parents.

y do we kp repeating history?

talking to him is stressful...i kp looking for a breakthrough. looking to fix it...looking 2 understand. i think i wont. b/c he isnt me and im not him and i think hes a quitter and irresponsible. i think hes a punk that wants the easy way with everything and hes hurting me and his word means nothing and commitment...whats that?

im so tired. i cant move out fast enuf. when i sd 2 him satan is thrilled b/c yet another black christian fam is broken apart...he says satan is pleased about my fear....my fear...who wldnt b afraid of whats 2 come...look what ive bn dealing with and living with for these last yrs.

he says he loves me. he still claims that. when he says it i want to spit on him. thats how much it angers me....this is how u love? lie cheat distance urself.

i fl lk im stuck bet a rock and hard place. staying doesnt have anything but anger and hurt and leaving seems 2 have the same...if he was a man he wld have left a long time ago. he says with what money? he makes more than me. when u want 2 do something u make it happen as he knows that i will move.

if i dont im prob gonna catch a case and most certainly b miserable. i dont wanna go home. when i see him i want to yell and scream. i wanna hit him but i dont. and he just sits there and stares. hes like well what can i say. i have hurt u and im wrong...but u still r. if u realize that ur wrong and uve hurt me. ur hurting me then y wont u change ur behavior and do better? y do i nd 2 move myself for u to do better?

seems the only thing i can do for my sanity is 2 cut him out of my life entirely. its not easy b/c i love him. but good god how can i love this guy? y do i love this guy? but saving my marriage is about more than just me. its about our children..its about god its about the community. i dont know how he can think of none of that. seems he only thinks of himself.

hes so sure that he wont desert our children eventhough hes deserted me. im not so sure.

i dont want to go home.
if i had somewhere else 2 go safe and free. i wld not go home. but i cant spend all my money on a hotel, i nd 2 save to move for good.

its excruciating even being in the same house with him.