Illness

I hate being ill, some times it really just f's me right off. Like not only do I have back, shoulder and leg pain but now I feel like hulk is bear hugging my ribs. My heads been hell all day and I fear the same tomorrow. My partner talks of going back to college tomorrow which is completely terrifying in its own light. I try not to make a big deal out of my illness but then I feel like it gets swept under the rug and forgotten about. I guess now I think she's not going to be here tomorrow I don't want to go to sleep for fear of getting up, feeling like sh*t and being all alone and left to struggle. There's no two ways about it if she's out, I suffer and if she's here she's suffering. Its like life is just out to get us some times. Like we have over come more death, illness, and general obstacles in our short 2 and a half years than most couples do in 10 years. We're still standing but I feel like the situation is more and more fragile by the day, we're both slowly simmering in stress and every so often one of us just cries for like 2 minutes and then carries on. Because we both feel helpless. I am such a naff excuse for both a fiance and an adult right now. My mind is just spinning at a hundred miles an hour. What's she doing? What am I doing? what are we doing? what is she feeling? How does that affect the situation? How do I feel? How do we compromise? Can I compromise on my health care? Can we compromise on the education? maybe relocate? could we afford it? where would we live? who would we live with? or on our own? will she then care for me? why doesnt she want to care for me now? is it selfish for me to need care? can I help that I need care? does that still mean it selfish? is it a basic human right? or am I just losing my marbles? UGHHHHH I need a holiday and a hug and a seasonal flavoured Starbucks the size of my head.