ifucked up

i had sex w/o a condom. i was caught up in the moment.  we were in the shower.  he was feeln good 2 me.  i dont even think i thought bout a condom. i mean damn im married. i dont think im ovulating but i am so anxious.  what if im pregnant?  id b locked down again.  another child?  i dont wanna have anymore of his children.  i begged him 2 get a vasectomy.  hes all like ill consider it. im nt even sure that hes not still fucking his whore. how dumb am i?  im leaning from 1 side 2 the other.  i dont trust him but i still love some of him and i still want 2 b his wife sometimes. other times i dont wanna b bothered.  other times i wnt a divorce. sometimes i wnt justice.  the Bible says vengence is mine thus sayeth the Lord.  heres my prob i love the people who hurt me. i still love them.  both of them even the whore.  iwish them  well.  the whore.  it wld b easier for her 2 not b on this earth. it wld b easier for me is shed just die.  but she has 2 children.  and my prayer is that if shes gonna stay on this side of heaven that she be back in fellowship with the Lord.  sometimes i think about reaching out 2 her.  but i still have way 2 much anger 4 that. and she wldnt trust my motives anyway.  i wouldnt trust my motives.  anyway how can i wish vengence on my hus when i also love him. i hate what he did, but i still love him. i feel i shouldnt.  i dont want him 2 suffer really.  i want him 2 be better and prove 2 me that he can love me.  and not betray me again. thts what i wnt.  and i want healing.  im nt sure how 2 accept it.  the lords givn it 2 me. bits & pieces.  i feel it wash over me sometimes but i also feel my pain wash over me 2.