If You Were Next to ME
- If you were next to me today, you would hear me take deep breaths, hoping to calm my spirit. If you were next to me today, you would see in my eyes the sadness I feel about Hunter and the mental illness struggles he is having. If you were next to me today, I would hope that you would not judge me as a grandmother for thoughts I'm having and wondering "what the hell happened" in this life I'm living?
You would know my heart is breaking because Hunter had a box of his mom's picture, his baby book (I had put together), some other memories and he told Bryn to throw it all away. (She did not, but REALLY?????) Is it because his mom was a hoarder and he can't stand to have any clutter or momentos around? Is it because of his mental illness, that he is looking @ life as that part of his life, MY MOM, doesn't exist anymore? WTF......My daughter, Hunter's mom, loved him more than life itself in the midst of her struggles - REALLY?????in a box marked trash by my daughter's son......If you were next to me, you would see tears falling down my face, you would see confusion, love, pain, sadness all wrapped up together, in my eyes.
Hunter is getting the help he needs - Hunter has the chance to become a functional adult - Hunter, Hunter, Hunter - please don't forget your mama.......SIGH
I see Hunter about every 2 weeks - will remain close, will continue to talk about his mom, will continue to love him, WILL BE THERE FOR HIM in the midst of my pain.......SIGH
iF YOU WERE NEXT TO ME - you would see that I'm missing my daughter so much and just WANT HER HERE TO TAKE CARE OF HER SON....You would see, IF YOU WERE NEXT TO ME, that my heart is broken, feels like I'm losing Jennifer all over again - in my heart, if you could see inside, is bleeding for the way life used to be......
IF YOU WERE NEXT TO ME...................
Replies
Oh if I were next to you, I would hug you so hard and not let you go! I am so sorry for all the issues with Hunter. Mental illness was a huge part of my family and my younger years, I didn't understand it. As time went by, it eased.... But on the other side of that illness, I will be thinking of Hunter that he too will come to peace one day and accpet all that was and will be. Sending love and light
Cindy
I'm so sorry... I wish I was next to you. I would take you in my arms if you allowed me to. I would hold your hands if you allowed me to. I would listen, as long as you needed to talk. I would sit with you while you cried, and probably cry with you.
I don't know any answers, there can't be any easy ones. I feel like you are in so much pain because it seems that Hunter is not honoring his mom the way you feel he should. It's only what I am reading into it, only my opinion, and please forgive me if I am wrong.
I don't know what mental illness Hunter is suffering from, and even if I did it would be impossible to know what is going through his mind. It could be that the mementos are a painful reminder of what he has lost. Maybe, in his troubled state, he thinks he can have a new life, without the burden of having lost his mother if the evidence of his life with her is gone. He must be in pain too. It could be that he is just too young and too troubled to understand that his mother was a gift and that some day, when he is older and more mature he will treasure those mementos and find joy rather than sorrow in them. But I truly don't know, I am just searching for possibilities in a situation I know nearly nothing about. When you visit with him again, maybe you could just ask about it. He might get defensive or feel guilty. If you could bring it up in a non-emotional way you might get more information out of him.
Please don't overestimate the help he is getting. My daughter suffered from clinical depression and was getting all of the help that was available to her. She was hard working, high functioning and looked successful from the outside, yet she committed suicide just a few months after graduating from college. I am in no way suggesting this might be Hunter's fate, I just want to make it clear that even with medication, therapy and any other kind of help, it doesn't necessarily mean he is happy or well-adjusted. There is so much unknown about how the brain works, the field of mental health is seriously lacking. We do all we can, but however Hunter is suffering, it's not his fault nor anything he would choose, if he had a choice.
I hope I haven't said anything hurtful...I just want to help you and I don't know how to do it. This is just my perspective from what you revealed in your journal and I may be totally off about all of it. I'm just so sorry...for Hunter, for you...I wish I knew the answers, but I don't. I wish I had the words to take some of your pain, but I don't. You have been so good to me and I want to support you in any way I can. Please call me if you need to talk, anytime...or if you just need someone to cry with you. Anytime. 850-658-2187
If I were next to you today, I too would hug you, cry with you, question and try to reason and throw my hands up in frustration and hang my head in sadness. I could sit quietly, or scream with you, if that was what you needed. I can't be next to you today physically, but my heart IS next to yours in sadness, in prayer and in hope.
The only thing I can say other than that is to not get rid of anything no matter what Hunter tells you. I believe there will be a day he will come to treasure that "trash" and will thank you for holding it for him until he was able to see the gifts all these things are to us.
I'm so very sorry. For all of it....the loss of your beautiful Jennifer, the mental illness Hunter lives with, and everything that goes hand in hand with this horrific grief journey, and "regular" life issues. I'm just so very sorry.
Tightest of heart hugs~
Teri
Thinking of you as you wrote this journal with tears and feel them myself as I'm reading. Oh, Vicki, how I wish just like your other sisters that I was sitting next to you.
Sending all the understanding that I have and please keep sharing your heart as you are because this is hard my friend. Mental illness is so misunderstood as addiction is and this is a judgment free zone my friend. If we can't put it all out here where can we?
Hand in hand, Heart to heart and so very hopeful for continued healing for Hunter and for ALL who love him and that would be YOU!
XO Joanie
Oh Vicki...if I were next to you, you would see tears streaming down my face for all this unfairness life has dealt you! It is hard to know what Hunter's feelings were as he instructed Bryn to throw away pictures and mementos of dear Jennifer but I'm sure this poor and immature decision was wrapped in pain. That being said, I can imagine how much this hurts you as any pictures or mementos that link you to Jennifer are beyond precious. I'm so sorry. Thank goodness Bryn did not throw them away! As an adult we "get" that the decision he made would distress him deeply in the future if those mementos were thrown away.
You are a wonderful and devoted grandmother who Hunter needs in his life more than he even knows. I know how wrong it is that his mom is not physically here. I so wish she was..
There are no words of comfort I can offer you. Just know that I love you and your dear daughter through you. And I send Hunter loving thoughts and am praying for him. Tight hugs and much love to you and your beautiful Jennifer, Linda
Oh my dear Vicki. I have tears for you. It is heartbreaking to watch your granson struggle without his mom. I think perhaps he wanted to throw the photos etc out because it is too painful to see them. He will be thankful eventually that they were not junked. I am glad he is getting help.
Just know that you are not alone. You are a wonderful grandmother and I Hunter knows it - just sayin' . Tight hugs, M
Hoping your sweet Hunter will see in the future the value of those photos. I am sure he will. Vicki as I said earlier Joannie's phrase to BE is what we can keep in focus as we continue on this journey. Sending some peace. xoxox Kathy