If it werent for my kids

I think that when I did meet my husband I did fall in love so quickly because I was starving for affection... and he gave it.. it was good.. because we were young and partied all the time.. didnt have kids..  there were signs... before we had kids.. the jealously, punching holes in walls and doors, he used to fight all the time for no reason with someone, just go up and punch them... I remember one time.. I was maybe 6 months pg with my first child and I remember he was mad, cause he wanted to go back to the bar, and I didnt want to.. I remember I was standing by the door.. and he threw a glass mason jar over my head at the wall... then as soon as I had my 1st daughter he really started to change.. . he liked to stay out after work and just not come home till 3 in the morning.. 4 nights a week... and I was home alone.. with the baby but I stayed caused I loved him.. and he always said it would change and stupid me believed like alwaysBefore I had my 2nd daughter.. I was actually leaving him...  then I found out I was pg.... and then of course didnt...  this last year.. things have been bad .. he gets mad and wrecks shit...  gets mad and gets one centimeter from my face and screams.. has tried numerous time to break down our front door.. has tipped the whole computer desk over... has broken my cell phone in half, has tipped our mattress over.. because I didnt want him to sleep with me  and of course... I at that point turn quiet, and clean up after him... because he is at the point yelling wise where he will wake up the girls.. of course this is just a few incidents of many.. he Has left bruises on me.. .. moving me out of his way... has he ever intentionally hurt me physically wise?  no I dont think so...  So a couple times he has tried to stop drinking.. worked for about two weeks and then back to it.. Now I just dont yell and fight anymore, cause its not worth the drama that comes along with it.   Its hard to have sex with someone you hate sometimes...  Its hard letting that guard down when I know he will do it again..   and you know what the funny thing is.. is that guy can do this ... and NEVER say he is sorry.. ever...  it always always ends up being my fault....  and the last thing I want our my kids growing up like I did...  Do I want to be alone HELL no.... I dont..  Plus really like I said before I dont want to put up with another mans shit for the rest of my life.... Plus I dont wannna date, and find someone new... dont wanna go through all the bullshit   If it werent for my kids.. I wouldnt be where I am ..  But I am also scared if I did leave.. (which god over the years I cant tell you how many times I have wanted and thought about it) I would be alone..I am sick of being alone.. and being tough, and turning off my emotions, so I dont get hurt.. Atleast with him..  I am alone but not alone if that makes sense.. I am afraid no one would want me.. A women with two kids.. who had a husband who didnt even want to be home.