If it's not one thing, it's another

This is more like a compilation of various thoughts, none of them good:
* Okay, so my psychiatrist has had to put me on sleep medication.  She had to.  I'm not especially happy about that, but at this point there is little I can do.  I did find some ASMR channels on YouTube that have proven to be really good on first impressions, so I have some subscriptions going on those...but now I don't know if I should be using them along with the sleep meds.  It's making me confused.
* Speaking of confused, how to screw up a good Skype health session: I've been frustrated with my workouts recently because I've always been confused about my target heart rate zone, since I never really have enough time to go over this with my trainer at the studio.  I got some help over Skype with that a week and a half ago, only to forget to bring a video capture of some kind (didn't ask beforehand) or something to take notes on it with.  Now I feel like I wasted my friend's time...and not wanting to bug her about it again, I've tried asking on a couple of different places, being specific that I'd need to see examples written out visually because I can't seem to understand it any other way.  So far, the responses I've gotten to that end have been crap; it seems nobody is understanding that when I imply I need a video tutorial, that means I need exactly that (and the one trainer who understood that I did couldn't because the site that she's a part of won't allow her to do so, which immediately ended that query).
* The social worker who is working with my psychiatrist -- they're both good people -- has given me a link to contact a lady at another organization who can help with some aspects of my issues, social in nature, that my counselor may not be able to properly address.  It's now been sitting in my inbox for a week, and I still haven't done anything with it.  Truth is, I'm afraid to contact the lady in question: It's someone I don't know, involving a place that I've never been to and can't dry run because I don't have a car and don't have the faintest idea how I can get there any other way...and if that's not enough, anything above a short interaction given these two factors instantly makes me worry that it will only be a matter of time before she physically hurts me (I don't feel safe anywhere anymore).  As I conceded to a friend earlier tonight, when I put those three things together (or sometimes just the first two), I'm immediately stuck in a place where I don't want to go unless I'm both armed, preferably with a firearm, and wearing body armor; I really think I've become paranoid.  Going with my parents won't help with this; when they do, I use them as bodyguards even though they don't know that this is the case, and if I'm ever going to get a job as a paralegal -- which is probably as good as dead now because a year has passed and I still haven't done a thing with the functional resume I put together and refuse to let my oldest brother help, even though he wants to, because I believe he will hurt me too -- I'm going to have to able to go out without feeling like I need the gun, the body armor, or bodyguards, real or imagined.
This last one is coming out to the counselor tomorrow, and who knows what's going to happen when he finds out.
(sigh)...these weeks....they're only getting harder...things just keep piling on...

Replies

MeggieLizzie
MeggieLizzie

I don\'t know what ASMR is.

Okay, who\'s going to hurt you!!!?? This is bizarre. You need to tell your counselor about this asap.
immarcie
immarcie

Sounds like you really need to discuss this intense fear with your therapist as soon as possible.....you don\'t need me to tell you it\'s unrealistic but I think you know it\'s coming from somewhere, perhaps a traumatic incident that happened when you were younger that you buried in your subconscious?
Try to be patient, you\'re stronger than you think you are from what I see in you.
It will take time but with determination, you will overcome it!!!
JourneymanProject1
JourneymanProject1

It is coming from several places, and yes, I did have some episodes that felt very traumatic to me when I was a teenager, which has made trusting people so hard. When I find the words to explain where my therapy is going with this, it will come up in a relevant journal.