If I told you...
I wanted to make this a video entry, except for two things: With the way I've been sleeping (still), the words didn't come out right...and then the damn thing wouldn't upload to YouTube even though I spent only all of 10 minutes recording on my webcam.
So I'm going to have to leave this here, because I really am feeling discouraged tonight:
If I told you...
...that I hate myself as a person, because I can think of a bunch of things I could or should have done that would have at least offered a chance to mitigate my many scars...that I know this isn't good, that I need to start loving myself, but I don't know how...and that I feel defined by what I've seen and experienced and heard about, even if a lot of it didn't involve physical harm...would you understand?
...that I would love to have something to settle me down at night because falling asleep has become so so hard, but that it's getting nowhere because it seems I get addicted to everything I try, because it takes so little for it to become a means to hide...could you relate? Or could you try to see where I'm coming from?
...that I have internal anger issues, that I haven't been able to forgive, in particular, my fellow high school students who managed to make me essentially semi-paranoid...that I'm afraid that someday I might physically act on that anger...that said anger has come out verbally more times than I want to admit to...would it make sense to you, even if you haven't seen that for yourself? Would it make you want to run away from me?
...that I really want to be able to have contact with other people, to be able to actually see someone I could legitimately call a friend, even if it's just over Skype...but that my heart is stopping me...that while logically my feeling that the world is out to get me is irrational at best, emotionally I am at the point where anything above short interactions feels too dangerous, like I can't afford to take the chance...would you see why I let this fester for so long, because I felt nobody would really understand? Would you be able to see that I'm in a place that only a masochist or a sadist would love, and I don't like it?
...that it's not taking much for me to be knocked back down, because I've let my bad memories and issues carry for so long...that I want to hit the rewind button in a bad way...that somehow my normally long patience level isn't translating to the process of me feeling better, since I feel I lost my prime during that long period when I couldn't make major decisions for myself, which led to all sorts of wrong turns...would you listen?
Would you think that maybe I'm beyond saving?
So I'm going to have to leave this here, because I really am feeling discouraged tonight:
If I told you...
...that I hate myself as a person, because I can think of a bunch of things I could or should have done that would have at least offered a chance to mitigate my many scars...that I know this isn't good, that I need to start loving myself, but I don't know how...and that I feel defined by what I've seen and experienced and heard about, even if a lot of it didn't involve physical harm...would you understand?
...that I would love to have something to settle me down at night because falling asleep has become so so hard, but that it's getting nowhere because it seems I get addicted to everything I try, because it takes so little for it to become a means to hide...could you relate? Or could you try to see where I'm coming from?
...that I have internal anger issues, that I haven't been able to forgive, in particular, my fellow high school students who managed to make me essentially semi-paranoid...that I'm afraid that someday I might physically act on that anger...that said anger has come out verbally more times than I want to admit to...would it make sense to you, even if you haven't seen that for yourself? Would it make you want to run away from me?
...that I really want to be able to have contact with other people, to be able to actually see someone I could legitimately call a friend, even if it's just over Skype...but that my heart is stopping me...that while logically my feeling that the world is out to get me is irrational at best, emotionally I am at the point where anything above short interactions feels too dangerous, like I can't afford to take the chance...would you see why I let this fester for so long, because I felt nobody would really understand? Would you be able to see that I'm in a place that only a masochist or a sadist would love, and I don't like it?
...that it's not taking much for me to be knocked back down, because I've let my bad memories and issues carry for so long...that I want to hit the rewind button in a bad way...that somehow my normally long patience level isn't translating to the process of me feeling better, since I feel I lost my prime during that long period when I couldn't make major decisions for myself, which led to all sorts of wrong turns...would you listen?
Would you think that maybe I'm beyond saving?
Replies
I can certainly understand the hating myself like you. Loving ourselves can be a hard thing. How do you get past all the hurt and pain? Settling down at night is tough too. Do you or can/will you take sleep meds? I\'m sorry the hurt and harm your fellow school mates caused you. I wish you didn\'t have to feel paranoid. Starting with Skype might help in small doses. Have you tried talking to any of your friends here on the phone? You could make it really small at first and then gradual spend more time. It can be helpful to talk to people like us who can understand your pain. Being alone is hard. I feel I\'m pretty much alone. I know I have my kids but they just stay up in their rooms all the time; loneliness sucks. You are not alone in letting your bad memories and issues knock you down. I still can\'t get over the abuse I suffered as a child. I can really relate to feeling loosing my prime and all the major decisions I couldn\'t make too. I don\'t think you are beyond saving. You still have lots of time to get some help. I\'m not sure and maybe you mention in another journal....do you have a therapist you can talk to and feel comfortable with? You are a wonderful guy who deserves the best of the best treatment!!
((((((HUGS))))))
Well, to be honest, I don\'t have the phone numbers of any of the friends I have here (which I need to purge the ones I never hear from anymore...I know who\'s safe and that includes you, MeggieLizzie, and several others).
You\'re right that feeling lonely blows. I\'ve been that way, intentionally, for something like 17 or 18 years because I just couldn\'t trust people anymore. Finally gave a colleague my phone number and Skype name this week...and that\'s as far as I\'ve been able to get. Would be afraid to ask for phone numbers, though...being able to see someone without being afraid of them would be more useful to me.
The sleep meds I was put on by my primary were really antipsychotics...but of course he\'s a bit of a quack so I shouldn\'t have been surprised to find that out. Current pdoc is aware of the sleep problem. Meds will likely be adjusted soon.