If I could turn the clock back

I apologize I have not written in a few days. I have been really sick since Friday because of my detox off of Xanax. Unfortunately I was feeling so sick on Monday I called my pdoc and asked if this was a normal feeling. She had told me that I went way down way too fast. I really went against her wishes and pushed it because I wanted to get off these drugs. So now I am back on a low dose at night time. And the best part is I feel back to normal. 
 
Today I was organizing and cleaning my mom's basement, something that she's wanted done for a long time, and I saw all kinds of memorabilia from high school and mostly the beginning of college (Freshman and Sophomore years). I found all of my notes and books, I even found a lot of clothes and cooking materials I used in the dorms. It reminded me of the good old days. If only I could go back with the knowledge of what was going to happen to me next. I still don't know how I got this way so fast. My case is certainly complex, but why were there no warning signs that I was falling way to fast. I have no Idea how I was put on such a high dose of Xanax, Seroquel and other psychotropic medication. I am finally waking up from such a long and drug induced sleep. I actually found out how to function on the drugs, my body simply knew that it needed to function even if I was not going to stop the medication. But, that is not the way that I want to live my life. I wish I could take a lot of classes and work a real job and have a great boyfriend and relationship. What happened to me? I used to have everything that I wanted.
 
My parents are great to me, my father helps me by paying medical bills and giving me a place to live and I can always live at my moms if I want to as well. They give me so much love and support and they coach me when I need help and cant find my own way. 
 
I am really nervous when I am away from my dad's house. I feel like he might disapprove of me living at my mom's for a while. I don't know why I feel so weird about these things, but I simply do. Luke, my brother, lives in Durango and has no problem living apart from my father and it seem that my father has nothing against Luke for living in Durango and going to school. I suppose that there is nothing to worry about if I look at the situation closely or at least look at the situation from a different perspective. I suppose that in my mind I think that he needs me to be there for him at all times in reality he really dosen't absolutely need me around, he's a grown-up he can call me if he needs anything. I know that he can deal without me there all the time. I think that I am really overly anxious when it comes to leaving my dad's house. I hope things get better for this anxious feeling I have all the time. I called him tonight and there was no answer and I'll just try tomorrow, I know nothing is wrong I always jump to conclusions.

Replies

deleted_user
deleted_user

Everyone one in life wishes they could go back in time and change something, wether it be small or big. Lord only knows i want to. However, what has happend in the past doesnt define a person, but in fact how that person reacts and moves on for the future is what actually defines them. I have talked to you, and your a very smart guy. You will find everything you seek in life. Its just a matter of taking everything one step at a time. And then things will begin to look up for you. No one can change the future, so just set your sights to something you want and do everything you can to acheive it.
And as far as your anxiousness goes. Prehaps its not about your father needing you, but rather what can and or will happen if you were to go out on your own. That is only something you know though. But like i said, your a smart guy and things cant always stay bad. May seen like forever though, but eventually things have to get better, as long as the person is makin the attempt.
Also, as always if you need anyone to talk to as you know im always here to listen and give input if you would like, just let me know.
deleted_user
deleted_user

dudeeeee i totally feel ya. if only i knew what was coming for me as a lowly freshman. the sad thing is that i had a feeling that something was off when i started at uni. sigh, but alas we cannot predict the future or change the past. just keep surviving in the present the best we know how. i\'m glad you are getting off some of these meds and waking up from the \"coma.\" i hope things continue to awaken and get your health back in order.
Katie12345
Katie12345

I am so proud of you for reducing your medications. That is such a huge thing!