Idk what to do

I ask my self what did I do for my abuser to choose me, did he love me? Was I just his toy or was I a daughter in his eyes? I thought about this today till I put myself into a panic attack then at lunch I looked at my phone to see I had a missed call and I knowticed it was from Pierre I called them back knowing who it was (my attorney) and when I heard the answering machine I panicked I went to Mr Myer's and he asked the same questions I could even answer him. My attorney got ahold of me after school. And asked if I wanted to testify or if I wanted to let someone read my testimony at the time I just wanted what ever would get him so he doesn't do this again bit as I thought about it I started to worry about what it would do to my family and so I called back asking not to read it and now I'm rethinking and the presser is starting to get to me and the thought of cutting is back, and the thought that the only way out is to kill myself is stronger then ever. Ever since I told I've been told I'm strong they see me with a smile and my head high. And in reality I'm a scared little girl screaming to be saved feeling like a horrible person.