Ideas/Advice?
Dear DS diary,
This morning I am in a very worried and disturbed state. I think I mentioned a few journal entries ago that very recently -- a week ago, give a take a day or two -- I've been starting to have Grand Theft Auto rampage style dreams.
I am starting to worry that I have a violent side that wants to come out really badly, because I've had a couple more of these the last couple of nights, and...well, I think it's enough for me to say that they felt all too real.
This worries me, because I know from experience that the anger, frustration, and hurt that I feel can only be pent up for so long before it explodes, and one of these days, if it's unchecked for long enough, I fear it will lead to something I know I shouldn't do but will do anyway. The classic example of simply punching something to let off steam feels wrong to me, it sends the wrong message. Playing one of the target shooting games kicking around my house doesn't feel right for the same reason, despite the fact that I feel fairly confident that I can tell the difference between a virtual target (think the clay pigeons that had their very own mode in NES Duck Hunt) and an actual person.
This leaves me in a spot where I just don't know where my safe venting can be besides here...and I know there will be some times (unlike right now when I have some time before work) when I can't journal here like I want to.
My heart wants to tell me that target shooting may be best as what amounts to a temporary bandage, but I have the same problem that I have with exposure: If it doesn't work out, it will feel like piling on and want to make me feel even more like a hermit than I already do.
Any thoughts or ideas on this?
(PS. If anyone thinks this needs to go to the depression boards, please tell me. That would be a simple copy-and-paste proposition for me.)
This morning I am in a very worried and disturbed state. I think I mentioned a few journal entries ago that very recently -- a week ago, give a take a day or two -- I've been starting to have Grand Theft Auto rampage style dreams.
I am starting to worry that I have a violent side that wants to come out really badly, because I've had a couple more of these the last couple of nights, and...well, I think it's enough for me to say that they felt all too real.
This worries me, because I know from experience that the anger, frustration, and hurt that I feel can only be pent up for so long before it explodes, and one of these days, if it's unchecked for long enough, I fear it will lead to something I know I shouldn't do but will do anyway. The classic example of simply punching something to let off steam feels wrong to me, it sends the wrong message. Playing one of the target shooting games kicking around my house doesn't feel right for the same reason, despite the fact that I feel fairly confident that I can tell the difference between a virtual target (think the clay pigeons that had their very own mode in NES Duck Hunt) and an actual person.
This leaves me in a spot where I just don't know where my safe venting can be besides here...and I know there will be some times (unlike right now when I have some time before work) when I can't journal here like I want to.
My heart wants to tell me that target shooting may be best as what amounts to a temporary bandage, but I have the same problem that I have with exposure: If it doesn't work out, it will feel like piling on and want to make me feel even more like a hermit than I already do.
Any thoughts or ideas on this?
(PS. If anyone thinks this needs to go to the depression boards, please tell me. That would be a simple copy-and-paste proposition for me.)
Replies
Hey friend...first, I did get your message and will be getting to that video as soon as i possibly can!
Sorry you\'re feeling so disturbed.
Thoughts and ideas...well, the first thing that popped into my head might not be realistic for right now, but it could be something to think about. You mention that just punching a pillow wouldn\'t feel right. I get that. But I also hear from a lot of people that working out aggressively really does help with anger. Give it a try, perhaps? There are 24 hour gyms all over the place...you can just pop in and try some weights or something, no committment (and, if during certain hours, very low chance of running into very many people).
The other idea is a bit (okay, a lot) bigger, but it might turn out absolutely incredible if you work at it.
These feelings of anger (please correct me if I\'m wrong) are coming from feeling like you\'ve been bullied for so many years, right?
Bullying is a pretty big deal these days. All types of websites and support groups and public attention is finally being paid to it. Have you ever thought of getting involved with something like that? Not necessarily like public speaking or anything, but maybe something simple and behind-the-scenes. Charities have TONS of behind-the-scenes needs as well as the big ones you see...stuff like arranging donations, collecting donations, coordinating speakers...even accounting!
I know this probably sounds totally random, but I was just thinking that maybe if you took some steps to help a cause that gets at the root of your anger, it may help a bit?
Just thoughts, as always. Peace and lights to ya :)
My girlfriend always tells me that punching a pillow is a good way to vent.
I like smashing ice cubes. ITs fun and leaves no mess. except melted water.
I kind of think target practice may be a good idea. I also like to chop wood. You say its a temporary bandage but if its getting your frustration out in a safe way isn\'t that a solution?