my head was swirling with life lessons today in services

I was really swirling with life lessons today while in mass/services.

I found it hard to focus on what I was doing because of that.

The deaconness looked at me

with an expression of "what's going on?" ..and I apologized to her later.

I was thinking this morning as to how I tend to feel good and bouyant at times (like I was last night)

and then unconsciously if I don't have something to focus on - or have something I need

to or want to do I tend to start ruminating negatively and really in like an unconscious way - truly

I believe it (the negativity) -  I was thinking about having a project and how for all the action I have here

doing errands and chores for the monastery, I realized I really do love a project - I was thinking 

the ruminating was like part of 'what I practice' (in that concept of our natures) in my alone time - and as for now I was trying 

to NOT give that negativity (of not being universally liked 'after one small blip' of an interepersonal interaction or

just time on my empty hands) the power to define all my relationships. There are those I disconnect with and those

I believe in - I believe in the christian ethic and I am a humanitarian - but I know some folks I gravitate towards and others

I should probably learn to have a grain of salt about.

In terms of giving myself a project or projects, onne of the things I love about the monastery is being part of a team - with the potential

of developing programs for the public and structural, farm stuff (creative) projects here every day.

I started to realize that this dip into negativity at times is ACTUALLY ME AND MY FACULTY GIVING MYSELF
A PROJECT!!!

So today during service I struggled to give structure to the thoughts I was having - in order to understand

what it was that going on? Why couldn't couldn't I  keep focused? - I needed to be honest with myself about what I like and dislike, and what keeps my focus.

The relationships with some seemed gruff - and I just knew I had to make allowances for the diversity of people and their reactions...and distinguish FRIEND from JUST REGULAR PERSON who I may not click with. The world can't be my design -

In protecting myself or just understanding myself and what was making me tick - can make me think in a "BIG PICTURE FORMAT".

When I realize this is me keeping in check with the kind of responsibility I want to have and sense of place - but then there's

also the inevitable individuality and diversity of all with whom you come into contact. It's a conscience thing an awareness of conscience.

But it also is telling me how I was brought up as a generalist. How I had to give everything my best foot forward.

Even if I didn't like it or was good at it - I had to learn to excel at it - and it was my own needs fueling that too

since I was so little possessed of myself and self knowledge - Maybe it was an attention thing - and maybe I need to understand that I give

certain things more attention and exuberance  and focus because they are things I like to do.

Funnily I was thinking about King Charles and all the pressures he had as Prince and now King - to show competence

in everything - every movement - gesture - and endeavor  - he's under the microscope - it must be hard but also he must have found some inner resources

for his self structuring which ultimately gave him satisfaction about it all. Luckily - I know there must be things in private he genuinely likes and makes time for.

I know I can't like everything I do - but I am also trying to give more stage lighting to my own sense of conscience about life and what I like

and yet also give a sense of competency to do a job well done for the responsibilities here at the monastery as well as work.

Peace.