I wrote this to the elder
I hope to be a good man, what’s on my mind today is how sometimes our mind can tell us we are one thing, in a haunting way, but we must keep our faith in the good things and ideals in life. I also have been experiencing a kind of duality in who I am and who I am supposed to be (I may know I am supposed to be responsible but I do stupid stuff sometimes.)
Fatigue can bring all that blindness on. I’m doing much better now though. Talking about stuff seems unnecessary now
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And now, I’ve been trying to figure where to turn, becoming lonely and wanting someone to share with. The thought of writing to you immediately sets me back on the path (and the emotional build up is dissipating.)
It’s weird how when it’s time to be self responsible and caretaking of myself and my needs and my own relationships, I can be out of my depth and out of practice. Then I will swell with emotion. I used to call it ‘emotional dyslexia.)
Until I figure out something to do like I have done now. Emotional dyslexia because I didn’t know what to do or what I was experiencing beyond just a woefulness that I was unable to articulate
Replies
Big hug sweetie...I think we can all be pretty hard on ourselves at times
I think the good part is that we strive to do better as long as you can balance it with recognize what a good person that you are
There are lots of ways of meeting someone new sweetie if you'd like to
Just start with a cup of coffee maybe?...xo
Thanks SO much Janet! I love you!!
am i going off topic to mention that, of course i had to look up, "Emotional dyslexia" i am dyslexic and have chosen to disregard the pros who suggested my dyslexia needs specialized treatment. i found considerable evidence that "Emotional dyslexia" is your coinage, but i still found a list of symptoms one can also find on my ptsd symptom list.
https://exceptionalindividuals.com/about-us/blog/how-can-dyslexia-affect-emotions/#:~:text=Although%20dyslexia%20is%20not%20an,work%20or%20an%20educational%20setting.
getting back on topic. . .
is there only one elder in your church? the roman catholic churches i've participated in have committees full of elders and ? ? ?
is it sacriligeous for me to hold committees as proof that none of us are as stupid as all of us?
on what to do when self-doubt turns you dyslexic. . . seems to me that you've listed some pretty good coping tools in previous journal entries. perhaps a review of your journal?
Sometimes I think writing and finding your voice as an act of self-discovery is a double-edged sword. Then throw in the concept of the internet where you are floating in seas of people who are sort of making up who they are as they go along. That’s a confusing and confounding arena to try and make sense of. Technology and communication in general is baffling. In other words, I think we are exposed to new things that make everything else seem murky.. don’t want to go on a tangent on that tho…
Going back to the basics and simplifying is always good. As for striving to be a good man and feeling some duality - I think more people than you realize likely deal with that. There’s the public-facing identity of presenting oneself and the more intimate person that only some know. For some people this extreme is HUGE. I think instead of thinking in terms of being a good man or wrestling with the dumb things and dumb behaviors or good versus bad - it helps, maybe, to think in terms of striving to be your most authentic version of yourself.
Anyway, this is your space to process! Just wanted to express my thoughts on that “wanting to be a good person” …. Sometimes I have observed people get so mired in this - it’s good to be kind…. And you are a kind human Markus! Everyone makes mistakes- it’s how we navigate through it that counts.
Hope I haven’t written anything to confuse or trigger or upset! Enjoy your Saturday. Do something kind for yourself and for others.
You are a good man Mark. You have been there for me when not so many have. You deserve to be happy.
Thanks you guys! Indeed I made up the term emotional dyslexia.
Have a good night!! xoxo