I wrote this to a monastic today after prayers
Forgive me Sister, I have scrambled eggs brain so often and a fresh perspective that I fear I don’t give the prayers the decency they deserve. I feel as though the sisters and the parish deserve a better priest than one with schizoaffective disorder. Everyone has believed in me and I am trying to be positive and I’m inspired to feel confident . I feel though I miss the mark in regards to gravitas sometimes. And I guess that will happen sometimes.
To which she responded:
Dear Father, Evlogite. These are early days and there is so much to learn. Go easy on yourself please! God, Panagia, St. Chrysostom and St. Basil will help you. Ask them to help you. This doesn’t compare in seriousness to being a priest, but when I was going to give a lecture at MIT or a talk at a conference before I would start to speak I would ask Panagia and St. John Chrysostom to give me the right words. Joyous Christmas ! Good strength.
—-
It was a nice response but I thought about praying to the saints and resisted the idea.
I finally tried to understand what that meant by exploring that and I guess I resist because I don’t want to be controlled?? I don’t know. I guess wherever we go people will have influence on what you do. I find myself in being responsible to my family
and to my friends - but I guess I am also responsible to myself. The size of this ordainment is very big.
I have thought about it's impact in the sense of it being a fast track to helping so many people with their lives.
But again then it is a big commitment - there are pros and cons
Replies
There are for sure Mark
You have an insight into mental health that a lot of people won't
A different understanding and I think you'll be able to help a lot of your parish and collegues because of it
I did during the time I was nursing and although I would have happily done without being bipolar at times it helped me with a different understanding of people struggling with mental health
Quite often depression
I hope that you have a lovely Christmas my friend...xo
Mark I totally agree with Jan. We all travel 'differently' on this earth. The ability to 'switch tracks' with your brain and come back with new insights is something that is valuable to many...especially your hard won desire to 'keep on keeping on' despite the challenges you face mentally and in the world with other people.
I applaud you, wishing only that you could understand within yourself the gift you are, and the positivity you share. I go back to acceptance Mark, of what you can change and what you can't change. It pains me sometimes how you question yourself, God Willing someday you will see your goodness as so many other people do.
Thank you so much Jan and Mary Louise! It’s an all night vigil tonight for the holiday! Expecting a big crowd!
Here's to this next step with this process-you have a valuable gift as mentioned! Be gentle with yourself!
Thanks Mid!