I wrote this earlier
I said this to my therapist - but I will record it here too -
I feel like I 'so get into' the 'order' and 'structure' of my life
to kind of numb out from it - if that makes sense.
I went to my Dad's house today - and it was really nice - but I felt so insecure with myself.
I felt like I was falling short in my father's eye - and yet I also started to question that
fear and think to myself "No matter how imperfect the experience might feel or is - I think I will just value it and choose the better thought too - and it was a nice time - we walked and chatted and it
was really nice -
but I got kind of this beckoning from within - to go back home - shower and change and be on my own - and though right after I left I felt like it was silly that I was leaving so early - I nearly turned around and went back. I cherish my Dad and stepmom and yet I followed through with my instinct and came home.
I took a shower and shaved and dressed - and then sat in front of the TV with my drink and my food - and I think again, I started to notice that I was just numbing out to my anxiety and insecurity - I would much rather be with my family - but for some reason - this 'alone time' and zoning out
is much more of a draw - I am realizing - since it is much more predictable and manageable -
but it's not good - I still feel anxious - and I am still here - and I wish I were with my family or friends - I just have to 'get over' and deal with the issues directly in my life and I will talk to my Therapist about this.
Perhaps 'get over' is kind of harsh - but I think now that I might as well do some art.. work it out and create that
aesthetic that I go for and that defines my life, in a productive effort, though I know life is way more than just aesthetics.. I just need to slog out my issues when alone in some productive way. I heard James Taylor talk
about this in terms of his music along the lines of resolving his experience. It makes sense.
Replies
When I channel my anxiety into creative expression, the insensible has a way of working itself into sensibility I can function with.
Let it be creative. The minute you know what you are doing and/or saying, the endeavor is no longer creative.
Thanks Arfie