I Wonder
I really wonder how I am doing about my son Ken's death...I read journal's and I read that some think the second year is harder. I have not even reached the 6 months yet.
I wonder what to expect. I wonder if I will feel like a breakdown as some time passes. I wonder if I just hold a lot in cause of my surgery and knowing I can not let myself get upset as my body is still too weak...I just really wonder.
Some say it just changes, which I know is true...But have I really felt the loss of Ken. Of course I have felt the loss, and pain, but I wonder if that is just the early beginnings of grief. I wonder if I have experienced the real grief yet. Father's Day is Sunday, I know his kids will be sad, yet we are rejoicing the birth of his grand daughter. I just wonder how will I feel when I know that I can not visit him this summer, that we can not go out to dinner and have fun as before, as he always looked and found new special places to take us to eat...The last place was a Pizza place. A mom and pop Pizza place and they can't be beat, but can I go there again knowing Ken can't. Remebering the day he took me there and was explaining directions. Remebering the last time we broght it to his house and he could not eat a bite....I don't think I can enjoy that Pizza anymore..but to the owners it is the best Pizza ever and so happy Ken got to enjoy it if only for a couple of months.
So much has happened since that horrible day in Dec. So many things I have gone through myself, my surgery, mom in a nursing home, changes ....so I wonder today
Have I just had to put my grief on the back burner and when it comes out of hiding, after I recover and my strenght has returned, I wonder what to expect.
Just my thoughts, no one else's thoughts, just know that I sure miss that son of my, that voice on the phone when he was so happy and would answer with "This is Pastor Ken"...How I miss that smile....the talks, the fun times, the workiing time and yea even the times we did not agree...But that's okay we are human....How I wish he had not had to get the horrible word "Cancer"...How I wish he had not had to live in pain for 2 years 20 days....How I wish I could have fixed him,,,that's what mom's do...But it did happen and someday if I have to go through the pain of total grief (which I don't think I have yet) some how someway I will get through it and I will always remember I sure have a wonderful son. He is in Heaven now, but his brother's so much remind me of him....His family continues to grow...Ken's life continues to live in this life and in Heaven.
Sure do miss you my son, sure do love you with all my heart...Sure wish I could see you, hold you and tell you what you mean to me....All I can do is say it from my heart and I know you know I SURE LOVE YOU SON...MOM
I wonder what to expect. I wonder if I will feel like a breakdown as some time passes. I wonder if I just hold a lot in cause of my surgery and knowing I can not let myself get upset as my body is still too weak...I just really wonder.
Some say it just changes, which I know is true...But have I really felt the loss of Ken. Of course I have felt the loss, and pain, but I wonder if that is just the early beginnings of grief. I wonder if I have experienced the real grief yet. Father's Day is Sunday, I know his kids will be sad, yet we are rejoicing the birth of his grand daughter. I just wonder how will I feel when I know that I can not visit him this summer, that we can not go out to dinner and have fun as before, as he always looked and found new special places to take us to eat...The last place was a Pizza place. A mom and pop Pizza place and they can't be beat, but can I go there again knowing Ken can't. Remebering the day he took me there and was explaining directions. Remebering the last time we broght it to his house and he could not eat a bite....I don't think I can enjoy that Pizza anymore..but to the owners it is the best Pizza ever and so happy Ken got to enjoy it if only for a couple of months.
So much has happened since that horrible day in Dec. So many things I have gone through myself, my surgery, mom in a nursing home, changes ....so I wonder today
Have I just had to put my grief on the back burner and when it comes out of hiding, after I recover and my strenght has returned, I wonder what to expect.
Just my thoughts, no one else's thoughts, just know that I sure miss that son of my, that voice on the phone when he was so happy and would answer with "This is Pastor Ken"...How I miss that smile....the talks, the fun times, the workiing time and yea even the times we did not agree...But that's okay we are human....How I wish he had not had to get the horrible word "Cancer"...How I wish he had not had to live in pain for 2 years 20 days....How I wish I could have fixed him,,,that's what mom's do...But it did happen and someday if I have to go through the pain of total grief (which I don't think I have yet) some how someway I will get through it and I will always remember I sure have a wonderful son. He is in Heaven now, but his brother's so much remind me of him....His family continues to grow...Ken's life continues to live in this life and in Heaven.
Sure do miss you my son, sure do love you with all my heart...Sure wish I could see you, hold you and tell you what you mean to me....All I can do is say it from my heart and I know you know I SURE LOVE YOU SON...MOM
Replies
Oh Sandi, thank you so much for this journal entry. Your entry and the comments from all the other Mom\'s have really, really helped me. It is 16 months since Greg died. I still can\'t believe it. I still wish he would walk through the front door. I still want to hear his voice and hug him. None of that has changed but, the deep, gut wrenching, suffocating pain has diminished. I still cry pretty easily...it is still at the surface but, there are times when I can think of Greg and smile because the memory is good. It is such a slow, painful process...I am so thankfull for all the Mom\'s here who help me so much...We will get through the grief together...Yours, Anne
Grief is a long road and all you can deal with is this moment. You are doing the best you can. Try not to second guess yourself. You will do what you need too when you need too. Each person is different and we tend to judge ourselves harshly if we feel we are not meetiing some schedule. There is no schedule, what ever you feel, you feel and when you feel it is your journey. Be kind to yourself hugs Cathy
Sandi,
My oh my you certainly are doing a lot of thinking and comparing and the question is why??? The best advice I can give you is to stay in the moment and that means the present and only present. Why are you lookng for problems where there may be none??? Hugs, Inga
Hey love for the first year I took care of everyone else my husband had a break down my son had to be hospitalized for two and a half months I never had the time to fully grieve and let my sorrow out this second year I have a bit but not as much as I should will I ever I do not know will my mind ever really realize he is gone and not coming back I do not think it has registered that being said everyone goes through this differently and at their own pace it is something we learn to live with I am sending you all my love take care of yourself
All I want to add (everyone else has pretty much covered it all) is to just do what is right for you, and don\'t expect anything at any certain time. There is no timeframe or calendar for grief that tells when we should be doing what. I would just tell you to listen to your heart. Truly your friend, BarbaraWawa
All I want to add (everyone else has pretty much covered it all) is to just do what is right for you, and don\'t expect anything at any certain time. There is no timeframe or calendar for grief that tells when we should be doing what. I would just tell you to listen to your heart. Truly your friend, BarbaraWawa
Exactly what Karen said - one day at a time sweet Sandi. Don\'t worry about what\'s to come. The pain is still there, but does get a little lighter as time goes on. Love, Julia
Sandi, so much has already been said so I cannot really add much more. I lost Michael 19 months ago and like you, many told me that the second year would be worse. For me, it is not particularly worse, it is just different. In some ways, it is better. I can read a book or watch a movie now and actually pay attention. The gut wrenching pain has subsided and I can smile now and then. It is usually with a feeling of sadness, but still, it is a smile. Like many said, this is my journey and I just take it a day at a time. Hugs, Belinda