I Wonder
I really wonder how I am doing about my son Ken's death...I read journal's and I read that some think the second year is harder. I have not even reached the 6 months yet.
I wonder what to expect. I wonder if I will feel like a breakdown as some time passes. I wonder if I just hold a lot in cause of my surgery and knowing I can not let myself get upset as my body is still too weak...I just really wonder.
Some say it just changes, which I know is true...But have I really felt the loss of Ken. Of course I have felt the loss, and pain, but I wonder if that is just the early beginnings of grief. I wonder if I have experienced the real grief yet. Father's Day is Sunday, I know his kids will be sad, yet we are rejoicing the birth of his grand daughter. I just wonder how will I feel when I know that I can not visit him this summer, that we can not go out to dinner and have fun as before, as he always looked and found new special places to take us to eat...The last place was a Pizza place. A mom and pop Pizza place and they can't be beat, but can I go there again knowing Ken can't. Remebering the day he took me there and was explaining directions. Remebering the last time we broght it to his house and he could not eat a bite....I don't think I can enjoy that Pizza anymore..but to the owners it is the best Pizza ever and so happy Ken got to enjoy it if only for a couple of months.
So much has happened since that horrible day in Dec. So many things I have gone through myself, my surgery, mom in a nursing home, changes ....so I wonder today
Have I just had to put my grief on the back burner and when it comes out of hiding, after I recover and my strenght has returned, I wonder what to expect.
Just my thoughts, no one else's thoughts, just know that I sure miss that son of my, that voice on the phone when he was so happy and would answer with "This is Pastor Ken"...How I miss that smile....the talks, the fun times, the workiing time and yea even the times we did not agree...But that's okay we are human....How I wish he had not had to get the horrible word "Cancer"...How I wish he had not had to live in pain for 2 years 20 days....How I wish I could have fixed him,,,that's what mom's do...But it did happen and someday if I have to go through the pain of total grief (which I don't think I have yet) some how someway I will get through it and I will always remember I sure have a wonderful son. He is in Heaven now, but his brother's so much remind me of him....His family continues to grow...Ken's life continues to live in this life and in Heaven.
Sure do miss you my son, sure do love you with all my heart...Sure wish I could see you, hold you and tell you what you mean to me....All I can do is say it from my heart and I know you know I SURE LOVE YOU SON...MOM
I wonder what to expect. I wonder if I will feel like a breakdown as some time passes. I wonder if I just hold a lot in cause of my surgery and knowing I can not let myself get upset as my body is still too weak...I just really wonder.
Some say it just changes, which I know is true...But have I really felt the loss of Ken. Of course I have felt the loss, and pain, but I wonder if that is just the early beginnings of grief. I wonder if I have experienced the real grief yet. Father's Day is Sunday, I know his kids will be sad, yet we are rejoicing the birth of his grand daughter. I just wonder how will I feel when I know that I can not visit him this summer, that we can not go out to dinner and have fun as before, as he always looked and found new special places to take us to eat...The last place was a Pizza place. A mom and pop Pizza place and they can't be beat, but can I go there again knowing Ken can't. Remebering the day he took me there and was explaining directions. Remebering the last time we broght it to his house and he could not eat a bite....I don't think I can enjoy that Pizza anymore..but to the owners it is the best Pizza ever and so happy Ken got to enjoy it if only for a couple of months.
So much has happened since that horrible day in Dec. So many things I have gone through myself, my surgery, mom in a nursing home, changes ....so I wonder today
Have I just had to put my grief on the back burner and when it comes out of hiding, after I recover and my strenght has returned, I wonder what to expect.
Just my thoughts, no one else's thoughts, just know that I sure miss that son of my, that voice on the phone when he was so happy and would answer with "This is Pastor Ken"...How I miss that smile....the talks, the fun times, the workiing time and yea even the times we did not agree...But that's okay we are human....How I wish he had not had to get the horrible word "Cancer"...How I wish he had not had to live in pain for 2 years 20 days....How I wish I could have fixed him,,,that's what mom's do...But it did happen and someday if I have to go through the pain of total grief (which I don't think I have yet) some how someway I will get through it and I will always remember I sure have a wonderful son. He is in Heaven now, but his brother's so much remind me of him....His family continues to grow...Ken's life continues to live in this life and in Heaven.
Sure do miss you my son, sure do love you with all my heart...Sure wish I could see you, hold you and tell you what you mean to me....All I can do is say it from my heart and I know you know I SURE LOVE YOU SON...MOM
Replies
You bring up lots of questions about situations I have already come through. The last place I went to eat with my son Clinton and my family was Texas Roadhouse. It was my birthday and even though Clinton didn\'t really like to go out to eat that much, he did it for me. It took almost a year after his death before I could go in there again. It is once again my favorite restaurant and I take his children there often. The devastating pain of being there with the thoughts of what I have lost is now replaced with being in a place that we all had such a wonderful time. The good memories overcome the pain the majority of the time. It is that way with so many things. As time passes you are able to see past the pain and loss and focus and soak up the wonderful times and memories that you made through the years. That is not to say that when you least expect it, the pain will grip your heart and you will just fall apart for a time. I think that is just a fact of life for all of us now. There is no right way or wrong way to deal with the loss of a child...we just do what we have to do. I just wanted to send you some encouragement. In the months just after Clinton\'s accident I could have never imagined that I would actually be in the neighborhood of happy again, but I am. The wonderful Mother\'s on this site have helped me more than I could ever have hoped for. I have always told myself if the fates had been reversed and I had been the one to leave Clinton, how would I want him to carry on with his life. I honor him by living mine in the best way I know how and am capable of doing. Hold tight and know that you are loved, hugged and prayed for...Lynn
Sandi,
I am now approaching the eighth month and wonder how I am. I wouldn\'t even think about those that say the second year is the hardest. That will place a burden on you. Each of us deal with our loss differently. The last few days, (probably because I had a yard sale and I donated the rest of Cory\'s things to two charities), I have been wondering if it has really hit me, if I really understand. I can\'t explain it. I know Cory is gone. I miss him every moment of the day and night but it is hard to grasp. He once touch that guitar, kicked that soccer ball or wore that suit on an interview. There was once a whole being with dreams and ambitions that I surrounded my life with that is now gone. The void is hard to express and the death to overwhelming to comprehrend. I am not over this event, will never be but on Cory\'s seventh month I held up 100% better than the previous months. I think it is because I have settle off with his belongings for one thing. I was ready to do that. It isn\'t the amount of items I have that are his but how there are used. The items I kept are now so nicely displayed throughout the house. I framed the beautifull photo a friend took and had enlarged. A couple clothing items are hanging for me to wear when I feel like it. There\'s memorabilia wherever I gaze. I am doing better but NOT. You have had so many emotional issues to deal with that you may not have been able to concentrate enough on just one, Kenny. I believe you will know when you are pushing ahead. It is not like you have or will ever forget him. Everyday you will think of Kenny but you will be able to cope a bit better. I guess as I write this I realize that I can cope better at least for today and maybe tomorrow. Ken and Cory would want us to be better but as I now type this I am crying. Realize how special the fact that you have children and grandchildren to help you through the tears. I hope you are healing from your surgery and that your mom is comfortable. Wishing all of us love to heal our hearts. Peggy
I think Peggy and Lynn wrote two very beautiful and inspired answers. I want to caution you about trying to compare yourself to what you read here. Just because some moms here say the second year is the worst doesn\'t mean it will be for you! We are all individuals. There are some basic patterns within grief --certain stages most of us seem to hit, but not everyone goes through all of them or in the same order. Most of us grieve a bit differently in one way or another yet we all have some elements in common. From what you have described in your journals, YOU HAVE expressed a great deal of grief over Kenny. You may still have a lot more ahead of you, or maybe you will start to get to that place Lynn was talking about , where the good memories start to take over and the huge sadness is not as bad. There is nothing to apologize for if you reach that place of peace. Just take one day at a time! Don\'t worry about what tomorrow will bring in terms of your grief!! What happens, happens. Deal with it then--don\'t borrow trouble. Don\'t worry about being disloyal to Kenny if you think you have to little or too much grief. If something makes you want to laugh, LAUGH! If you feel like crying, CRY! Just be yourself, even if you feel like a giant crybaby right now. Let the tears flow quickly and get them over with, and then go on with your life. Don\'t let them ruin your day--just treat them as a little interruption, and keep going. Once in a while, you may have a day that is so sad, everything makes you cry. OK--then just cry your eyeballs out and start over the next day knowing it will be a better day!
Just remember you are not following anyone\'s timetable but your own. When I was pregnant, I took \"Lamaze \"classes and they told us the contractions would start 1st at 20 minutes apart, then go to 15, then to 10, then to 5. Mine started at 5, so I didn\'t think they could possibly be the real thing when my daughter--1st child-- was a month early. It was the real thing. Same thing happened when Mike was born--only he came even faster... I learned then that my timetable is my own! For babies, for healing, for, grief...
Love to you, Cherie
we ar a
I think as we go through the different phases of life, depending on our circumstances at that time, we may grieve more or less. Right now, I\'m doing ok. But in two months or a year, I may find myself thinking differently about things and have another set back. It breaks my heart right now that Nathan was just 33 years old and he had two small children that he will never see grow up. And I might start doing better again, but when the children graduate,or go to prom, etc.. I may be depressed again for weeks because daddy didn\'t get to see them. I know I will have joys in my life and wonderful things, and deep down, something will always be missing. I can\'t afford to have a nervous break down right now, but in 10 years from now when I\'m retired, I might be able to. All this to say, we will forever have our ups and downs. We all grieve in different ways. Thankfully, we have each other when we experience our lowest lows. Heart to heart, Danette
I agree with all that has been said. It has been 15 mos for me now and I must say that the first year was a horrible shock and the pain was insurmountable...so much so that I thought I would join my son anyway that I could. God has given me a peace that I cannot explain. I have begged for it and sought it and I have been blessed with better days. I don\'t look forward to a life without Brandon as you do not look forward to a life without Ken. There are no time frames about our grief. We take it as it comes. Some days are unbearable but there are days now when I can think of and talk about all of the good times we shared. I hope my days get better and that God will fill me with a better spirit and His peace. I pray that for you, as well. It is a long journey but we can remember we will see our sons again and that is the hope I have. Love to you, dear friend....dale, brandon\'s mom
Sandi ~
At six months my family was in Maine for the sentencing of the driver who killed Corrie. It was one of the hardest times we\'ve had. Almost more painful than at first because some of the numbness and shock had worn off. That was in January, now it\'s June and we\'re 11 months in ~ anniversary will be July 27th. Though we all felt that we had stepped over an enormous hump of initial grief in January and all felt Corrie with us, the months since then have been very up and down with a lot of downs.
I\'m a little nervous at hearing that the second year can be worse too, though, as the other Moms here have said ~ each Mom, each grief is unique. When I wonder if I\'ve made any progress I think about the very early days (up to 4 months) and realize that, yes, I must have made progress. I no longer wander around like Lady Macbeth, showering several times a day to wash out the sadness. I no longer scream at unknowing bank tellers who are giving me a hard time about making a final deposit to my \"dead daughter\'s account\". I no longer wander around Lowes or Targets in a complete daze, randomly asking clerks for assistance and then leaving without getting anything. I no longer stop in the middle of a task (well, usually not), put my feet up and stare off into space literally for hours! I no longer scream at customer service people on the phone who ask if there\'s anything further they can do \"bring my daughter back!\" The 24/7 refrain in my head \"Corrie is dead. Corrie is dead.\" has for the most part stopped.
I have no clue if I\'m getting to acceptance ~ I suspect that we never really \"accept\" it ~ we will always fight to save our children.
All I know is that this is a lifelong journey that we have unwillingly embarked on and there will be ups and downs. I think that the downs will become fewer and perhaps less down and the ups will get stronger and perhaps a bit higher. I have either gotten used to the million pound weight I carried for months or it has lifted and the constant fog is not as thick.
When we were in Seattle we ate at several restaurants where we shared many happy times with Corrie. I sobbed my way through a lunch at a Thai restaurant. I think as we face these triggers they may begin to lose their emotional impact and we may get to a point where we can once again enjoy them. I don\'t know for sure but I\'m guessing and hoping.
Sending you so much love and thoughts of peace and blessings for the weekend ~ Debbie
Thanks for everyone heart feeling and what your have experience. One thing is I am not referring to people on here all the time when I write something...I am also in contact on facebook with some mom\'s who have just went through the 2nd year...I know each of us handle our sadness in different ways, times, I feel I was just pondering...what shall it be like...The thing is I have not been back yet to where Ken lived, and I also am so sorry for you that have had the task of having to do things with your child\'s clothing or whatever they enjoyed, I feel blessed that I have the memories of things that Ken gave me through the years,,for example a ceramic doll with no face looks like it is made out of straw, other special items through the years, things he made in school, all these items I cherish and have them out to see, but of course I always did have anything my children made me out, I find pleasure in them taking the time to make me special things....I guess each of us have to go through it the way we do...With my surgery, Ken has somewhat been not my total forcus cause my body can\'t take any energy taken out of me than I have already...Oh I still cry, and as I wrote so miss him, but also seeing the little bitty baby just born is proff that his life continues and for that I am so thankful...Yes I am blessed to have children, grandchildren, great grand children, but for me Ken like the rest was special within his own self. I see each of my children with different personalities yet alike. Yes I have moved forward from where I was three months ago but today I just wondered. Thanks to all my wonderful friends, taking the time to write me means the world to me and I know I am loved by you all. Sandi
my first (2) years i just barely funtioned i went no where i had no desire i had panic attacks, i felt empty and loss. it was unreal to me i read all kinds of books on out of body experience, ON HEAVE THE BIBLE WHICH I STILL DON,T UNDERSTAND. I COULD NOT GO TO HER HOUSE TO PACK HER THINGS WHEN I OPENED THE DOOR 6I ALMOST FAINTED THEIR WAS HER BED SHE HAD BEEN SLEEPING IN (SHE COULD NOT WALK) IT WAS JUST MY SISTER AND ME WE CLUNG TOGETHER AND I HAD TO GO THRU. ALL HER THINGS IT WAS SO HORRIBLE TODAY ^6/18/10 , SHE HAS BEEN GONE 7 YEARS AND 7 MONTHS MY HEART IS STILL BROKE AND I STILL MISSE HER. GRIEF IS A LIFE LONG PROCESS. HUGS ZZZTOP
Bless you friend...don\'t worry about tomorrow...what you will feel, how things will be...how you will or will not handle things. Just take care of yourself today. Feel what you feel and then tomorrow do the same. Allow yourself to enjoy the grandchildren and great grandchildren and children and friends and the weather and whatever...it is okay...there is plenty of time to feel sad...just take it moment by moment. Love to you...Karen
Everyone else has written such great responses, so I can\'t add much more. I know we try to compare our situation to others because we want to know what to expect. The unknown is so frightening and loss is so unique to each of us. It\'s difficult to think the second year could be harder. I would hear that too from other mothers and it would frighten me, because I thought nothing could compare to that first year. Your experience will be just that...your experience, but if it\'s of any comfort, for me, the second year was much much better. You get most of the \"firsts\" over you don\'t anticipate what\'s going to happen quite as much because you realize that our emotions fluctuate and the anticipation can be Imuch worse. I\'ve left this quote on other journals before but it\'s so fitting. \"Grief is not a mountain to be climbed, with the strong reaching the summit long before the weak. Grief is not an athletic event, with stop watches timing our progress. Greif is a walk through loss and pain with no competition and no time trials.\" You are on your own timetable friend. Don\'t shortchange yourself one day. Make each day a day to heal. Much love. Robin
We have to try to stay in the moment, live in the moment. I too have times of feeling overwhelmed by the future without Doug. But as someone told me, when I am doing that I am feeling pain that hasn\'t even come yet. One day at a time...Cliche but true. Love, Sue
I don\'t really remember year two that well, but I don\'t think it was worse than the first year. I think we grow into our greif year by year and it lightens year by year. It doesn\'t go away. It just changes and becomes more bearable as we move through it. That is just the way it is for me, and it may not be like that for anyone else. This is just one persons experience. Take it one day at a time. Love and hugs, Beth
For me the1st year was foggy. I was still in shock and I don\'t remember much of it at all. I go through and read journals from the 1st year and don\'t even recognize that person as me. I am different now. Not worse, not better, not less...just different.
By the second year I was out of the fog, therefore, it hurt worse. The pain was more raw. The key to getting through this is to stay busy which is hard to do when your health is not good so please take good care of yourself and always remember that we are here for you because without the women here I would not be sane. Year three is being much kinder to me. I can laugh without feeling guilty andI can have fun now. I do remain dependent on the moms from DS for my sanity still. Love & hugs, Colleen
I am into my second year - one and one half last month. I can say without a doubt the first year was the most difficult for me. It was at the beginning of this second year that I began to feel myself heal, to have less tearful meltdowns and to be able to get to sleep at night without thinking about Kyle and reliving the past for several hours and with many tears. Like everyone has said, we all grieve in our own way and at our own pace. For me having a strong faith in God has been my redeeming factor. I know he has been with me every step of the way and always will be. Don\'t compare yourself to others. Just be the best you possible. God loves all us Moms and if we pray for and support each other we\'re going to be OK.
Sandy
Sorry Sandi, don\'t think we can really put a time frame, on this. Chad has been gone four years, in July. Can\'t say I miss him any less, or think about him less, etc. I guess I have excepted life goes on, regardless...But, I guess the gut wrenching, pain, becomes less. It is just damn hard!!!!!!!!!!!!!!I wish you peace and comfort, till you meet Ken, again. Hugs. Gay