I Wish I Knew
I didn't know holding onto anger would do so much damage to my mental health. It was never really explained to me why or how it does. I was never told how to forgive. They said you just do it. That's a pretty complicated concept for a kid.
I thought all this trauma was something I had to live with. It's painful and I hate dealing with it. I will work on it because I want to heal.
Last 3 days I've been experiencing depression. I wake up and start crying.. I get up eventually. Today I took a shower. I got dressed and did stuff around the house.
Replies
Ah Jenn...my heart goes out to you as 'forgiveness' is truly a challenge. As I've aged, nearing 70 now, I've found the weight of judgement on my shoulders for others is Way Too Heavy. Sadly I've not learned how to stop shame/judging myself.
It's good that you 'want to' make the start on a healing journey. Remember forgiveness Is For You!!! It's about letting go of that anchor in your mind that keeps sinking your boat...those nasty words rolling around in your head.
Anger not only effects the mind, it also has a HUGE effect your your physical wellbeing. This is a book about that aspect of trauma on the body.
https://www.amazon.com/Body-Keeps-Score-Healing-Trauma/dp/0143127748/ref=asc_df_0143127748?tag=bingshoppinga-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=80539281984645&hvnetw=o&hvqmt=e&hvbmt=be&hvdev=c&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=&hvtargid=pla-4584138858104915&psc=1
And from Carolyn Myss "Why Don't People Heal and How They Can" https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oTUEb1Z74nw
Look forward Jenn, learn from the past and let that anchor go!.
Hugs :)
Forgiveness is so hard for me to do, too. They say you can forgive but not forget. and that's okay. And it does not let the other person off the hook or anything, but as mlro853 says above, it is for US. Hard to do, I know. I have trouble forgiving things, too. You are not alone.
That's good you got up today and took a shower and did stuff around the house. Hope that made you feel a little bit better. Sometimes it helps to move around and do some stuff, and that can help lift depression a bit.
One foot in front of the other. Be gentle with yourself. Take your time, go slow. Give yourself a break. A mental break, too. Do some stuff that you enjoy and make you happy. You deserve it!
((((Hugs))
Hi Jenn, it's Sunday now, and I'm in a very thoughtful frame of mind. I came back to your journal to see if you'd responded and to offer something that has helped me to find forgiveness towards life/people etc. Like I wrote finding forgiveness for myself is a Huge Challenge.
I think after having John, I began the forgiveness journey for my family...and have extended this out to others I come across in life. I saw what happened to me, as what "I Was Doing To/Not Doing" with John...good and bad. I began to learn I 'could not give what I didn't have/was not taught"...which helped me to better understand my Mom and why she was not emotionally available.
I began to understand "being human" and in that, we are all flawed, not perfect, I am flawed in ways that are different from you, or anyone in the world, yet some of those flaws 'are the same' just expressed differently.
I began the hard work of 'actually feeling my feelings' and ''no longer blaming or asking why'', that for me was how I learned how to forgive and to let go of the emotional baggage of a life time.
I hope this helps you Jenn, and like Gina wrote, Good On You for Just Showering and Dressing...I managed to do that yesterday too along with a clean kitchen sink!
Hugs <3