I wish... (2nd time, picking up pieces)
Picking up the pieces after my visit to Copley Square in a midday hour yesterday that is helping me get over the bombing but little else:
I wish...
* ...I actually felt I was smart. People have told me that, but I just can't seem to buy that. I really don't know what I can do about that. Being a know-it-all just feels like the wrong way, but I have no other ideas.
* ...that I didn't see one thing that went really wrong during the Copley visit: I wanted to take a baby step on my people issues by just getting a small lunch somewhere, I'm never happy with that I usually pack. That got nowhere fast. The group discussion in the class that did meet later went no better, in fact one student flat-out said I looked like I had the (cuckoo) scared out of me. I'm equating people with monsters and have conceded that to a friend who I would prefer to leave unnamed. Don't know what to do about that, either.
* ...that I had brought my camera...okay, it's a Nintendo DSi with a camera feature, but capturing a few images would have helped some more. Especially because some of the finish line from the Boston Marathon was still there. Might still remember visiting but will probably forget the reason why in a few weeks. And then I'll be back to square one. As if I'm not already.
I wish...
* ...I actually felt I was smart. People have told me that, but I just can't seem to buy that. I really don't know what I can do about that. Being a know-it-all just feels like the wrong way, but I have no other ideas.
* ...that I didn't see one thing that went really wrong during the Copley visit: I wanted to take a baby step on my people issues by just getting a small lunch somewhere, I'm never happy with that I usually pack. That got nowhere fast. The group discussion in the class that did meet later went no better, in fact one student flat-out said I looked like I had the (cuckoo) scared out of me. I'm equating people with monsters and have conceded that to a friend who I would prefer to leave unnamed. Don't know what to do about that, either.
* ...that I had brought my camera...okay, it's a Nintendo DSi with a camera feature, but capturing a few images would have helped some more. Especially because some of the finish line from the Boston Marathon was still there. Might still remember visiting but will probably forget the reason why in a few weeks. And then I'll be back to square one. As if I'm not already.
Replies
(((Hugs))) my friend. First of all..
*You ARE smart. If not, would you be in a grad program? You also have vast wisdom, as evidenced from some of what you have shared with me/advised me. You have never come across as a know it all..it doesn\'t seem to fit you at all.
*Admitting to fear is not the worst thing that could happen. I imagine that walking through Copley was a bit disarming. I think it would leave me very flustered, and maybe depressed as well. Everyone reacts differently to a situation like that. I would worry if you felt nothing. Maybe we can chat more about the \"people issues\" as I am not entirely clear what those are, but am willing to bet they are some of the same as mine.
* Maybe you can return to Copley one day soon and bring your camera. Another trip there might also find you feeling less edgy, and maybe more at ease with those surroundings. Maybe something you see will trigger peace, instead of fear. Maybe you could go on a weekend, where there is no time constraint. Take your time and process what you see, and the people who stand beside you, also running the gamut of emotions.
You hang in there. This will take time, ok? Don\'t beat yourself up about how you feel..just let it be.
I guess part of the problem regarding the first point in the journal is that a LOT has passed me by, just from spending a very sizable portion of my life living in fear. I would be flat-out lying if I said that some days my focus just goes totally south because of that fear.
The people issues go back to some very bad discipline problems in high school that I feel helped to lead to at least some of the trigger events that have made me who I am. The short answer is I feel people are out to hurt me, but there\'s more to it than that. It probably requires a separate pm, so please don\'t think I\'m trying to overload you, pink, if there are two messages from me tonight.
Oh, and maybe I do have to make a return visit to Copley, with the camera. That\'s a good idea.