I will wait
Thank you so much sisters. I am sure deep down I knew the right answer was to wait, I am not strong enough yet...just needed to be reminded by my wise sisters. I have the need to see everything, no matter how much it works, but I have to build up more emotional muscle before then. My poor baby suffered through it, the least I can do is bear witness.
I had made plans for my best friend to go with me, but I think I will need to call in the big guns, my knight, my husband...He is so strong, we might take a friend anyway to help with the driving. He will resist that and it probably is something we need to do together, just us. I am worried about the safety of the 2 hour drive home. I will decide when the time comes.
As usual I am pushing too hard too fast. It's not that I want to sue her doctors for malpractice, I just want to put the pieces of the puzzle together. Cassi had Borderline Personality Disorder. She was very secretive and manipulative and I could get no medical information from her doctors because she was an adult. Her friends were afraid of making it worse by bringing me in. Admittedly I am very emotional, but I think I had good reason to be!!! Last August (I didn't know this at the time) she overdosed on Klonopin and when she was released from the hospital her stupid doctor increased her dosage!!!. The combination of drugs she was on was so wrong! Huge possibility of increased suicidal ideations...she was supposed to notify her doctor, but she probably didn't put that together...that the increase in suicidal thoughts were being caused by the medication...she just thought she wanted the pain to end and that seemed like a plausible solution. She was so manipulative...she had learned the system, I seriously doubt she told her doctor the truth, but still...her combination of medications were just wrong. Like I said, I am noe looking to sue, I just want answers. I would also like for him to be made aware of what happened...what NOT to do to another child...patient...she was 22, not a child, but MY child.
You ladies advised me and pointed out what should have been obvious...I suffer from so much guilt, so the thought of shying away from the facts, sticking my head in the sand, really sparks up that guilt. I WILL deal with the facts when I am stronger...I have to take some more time to grow stronger.
As Always, thank you, thank you, thank you.
I had made plans for my best friend to go with me, but I think I will need to call in the big guns, my knight, my husband...He is so strong, we might take a friend anyway to help with the driving. He will resist that and it probably is something we need to do together, just us. I am worried about the safety of the 2 hour drive home. I will decide when the time comes.
As usual I am pushing too hard too fast. It's not that I want to sue her doctors for malpractice, I just want to put the pieces of the puzzle together. Cassi had Borderline Personality Disorder. She was very secretive and manipulative and I could get no medical information from her doctors because she was an adult. Her friends were afraid of making it worse by bringing me in. Admittedly I am very emotional, but I think I had good reason to be!!! Last August (I didn't know this at the time) she overdosed on Klonopin and when she was released from the hospital her stupid doctor increased her dosage!!!. The combination of drugs she was on was so wrong! Huge possibility of increased suicidal ideations...she was supposed to notify her doctor, but she probably didn't put that together...that the increase in suicidal thoughts were being caused by the medication...she just thought she wanted the pain to end and that seemed like a plausible solution. She was so manipulative...she had learned the system, I seriously doubt she told her doctor the truth, but still...her combination of medications were just wrong. Like I said, I am noe looking to sue, I just want answers. I would also like for him to be made aware of what happened...what NOT to do to another child...patient...she was 22, not a child, but MY child.
You ladies advised me and pointed out what should have been obvious...I suffer from so much guilt, so the thought of shying away from the facts, sticking my head in the sand, really sparks up that guilt. I WILL deal with the facts when I am stronger...I have to take some more time to grow stronger.
As Always, thank you, thank you, thank you.
Replies
The waiting feels wise dearest Gina. Understanding why you are needing to try to understand all that you can about Cassi and trying to fill in the missing pieces of the puzzle.
Waiting is \"not doing\" it is a choice to take care of yourself which is vital on this path.
The most loving care that I have from my heart to yours,
XO Joanie
I\'m relieved. The very last thing you need is a breakdown. The drive home from this horrible journey would be hell on earth. The facts are what they are and they won\'t change whether you receive them today or six months from today. All in God\'s time, Gina. I wondered why my beautiful house was just not selling, almost three years. I finally took it off the market and found a new realtor. It went back on the market March 1 and sold March 3, in God\'s time, when I was ready. And the shock of losing it is still huge, much bigger than I expected. Imagine how much more harm could have been done to me had it sold right away when I wasn\'t prepared. Wait. When the time is right, things will happen as they are meant to happen.
I am glad you are waiting. It is good to have all the facts. You will know when the time is right.
You are much tougher than me. I wanted to know the details, but I had a terrible time when I had the information in front of me. Lisa died as a result of botched surgery. We did sue, not for the money ( we did not really benefit financially) but I wanted the doctor to know that we knew he failed. I am not sure how it is in there, but here in Canada, suing a doctor is nigh unto impossible. We didn\'t get to court. We went to a mediation process. If we had gone to court, it would have bankrupted us - they have seemingly unlimited funds. I guess they count on the fact that regular people can\'t afford to go through the whole process.
Sorry for babbling but I really do understand your dilemma.
Just know you are not alone.
Love and hugs,
Marlene
I think you have made a wise decision, by deciding to wait. I also think having your husband with you is a great idea. I hope that now that you have made a decision, you can get much needed rest and build up your stregnth. The first year after losing someone, you are mostly in shock. I remember very little about that first year. So try not o make very important decisions until you are thinking more clearly...
((((HUGS))))....Julia
I am right there with Julia and agree that I was in shock for the first year. And I don\'t remember much of it, truth be told! And like I said in response to your previous journal, I made a decision to never visit Aaron\'s house and see the bathroom floor that my son died on. Early on, I wanted every bit of information. I even called Aaron and wanted every detail, right down to if my son\'s eyes were open when he found him. I called about an autopsy report, was told I could get that any time, even years from now. So I decided to wait years from now :-). It is a wise decision to wait to make decisions. I understand about how you feel that shying away from things that will make it worse are making you feel even more guilty. I suffered from horrible guilt and much of it remains. It is as if we trying to punish ourselves in order to redeem ourselves of guilt. But it does not work that way. You are being wise to wait until you are stronger and you feel forgiveness for yourself for those things which, really, are not things you need any one\'s forgiveness for. Don\'t heap it up on yourself! When a day comes that you can honestly say \"I am ready for this\", then do it. Until then, take care of you and know you are not alone. We walk every step with you and hold tight to you.
Peace.
Thank you sisters.
Very wise...I know you will know when the time is right. I would feel the same...the need to know details...but each of us is different. You are making it my friend...it is hard...but you are doing it. Baby steps...gentle hugs...Karen
Gina, I feel you made the right decision. Wait a bit to build up your emotional resources. Love to you and dearest Cassi, Linda