i will prevail!!

boy..today was quite the day.  i woke up full of anxiety, i thought by 2 pm i was gonna die from it, it was so intense.  i smoked like a chimney, spilled my guts, cried like a baby and refocused.  
i know these days will come sometimes.  i think i did pretty good by fighting the negative thoughts that were filling my head.  i was falling back into victim mode.  why did he have to do this?  why did he want to hurt me?  why did he leave me like that?  why didn't he care?  I remembered though waht i read & learned from a website..emotionalabuserecovery.com
the only answer to those questions is because he wanted to.  at first it was so hard to accept that cold, hard truth but i am still accepting it.  i am closer and closer every day.  by telling myself, by reminding myself that this is the answer to that question, it helps b/c it helps me to realize that it's not my fault.  it is his desperate need to boost his self esteem.
I'm not paying for him to feel good about himself.  i do not need to live my life in terror.  i do not have to live with this trauma.  i am in control of my emotions.  i am in control of my life.  this is my life to live however i want to live it and i dont need to support people that will not support me.
wow..i feel so much better after saying that.  i love these journals!  i love that you are reading it and that i can come back to re-read in those moments of weakness.  i'm so happy i found this support system!!