i wear black on the outside ...

... because black is all I feel on the insideIf I seem a little strange well that's because I am" "Unloveable" The Smiths**********************You know, it's pretty irritating when people overreact.  I hadn't realized an avatar could cause a stir.  Ugh, if I were going to make a desperate plea for aid, I'd be much more blatant.  Then again, I suppose I ought not assume (after all, spell the word assume) people know I'm a bluntly honest bitch.  And I shouldn't take for granted that people are aware that I've a dark, twisted sense of humor.  *eye roll* Oh well.  My fault, I suppose.  Some people are just too touchy.  Shit. Life has been, well, onerous as of late.  I don't know if it's me, circumstances, my relationships, hormones, depression, &/or everything balled up into one nasty, fubar mess.  I'll operation under the assumption it's everything acting together.  Life is conspiring against me.  Ok, no, that's some silly, fatalistic garbage.  Seriously, I think it's my fear.  It's me failing to deal w/ the uncertainty of life.  Anyone who knows me can testify: I am a control freak.  All must be orderly lest I spaz!  I must learn to cope.  If I can't deal with the random events that life tosses my way, I will invariably fail. What I can be sure of, at present, is I'm feeling more & more as if I cannot cope w/o hurting myself.  I want to go back to smoking.  I want to drink myself into a daily stupor.  I want to cut so I can see the ugliness upon my skin.  No, I don't want to kill myself.  Well, actually, I do, but I'm way too fearful of death.  I haven't the courage to ever embark upon a sincere suicide attempt.  Back to what I was saying ... I can't shake the desire to self-harm.  I don't know if it's my fear or anxiety or depression.  But it frustrates me to feel this way, & I'm just not quite sure how to combat this.  I'm incredibly skilled at distracting myself temporarily.  But those ill feelings always return.  I want them gone for good.  How can I permanently banish this damning self-hatred??? To end on a positive note: rather than surrender to despair, I will continue my search for true, lasting hope, health, & happiness.