I was losing my sh&t!
a couple things I wrote today.
I was losing my shi*t
So many rules here at the monastery
Such a premium in doing things predictable
From dress to talking to each other
and then I wrote this:
Actually I have started understanding. I was obsessing on ‘the closed door’ of my discontent. I started to encourage myself to think about what I wanted or ‘the open door’ so to speak. What I could plan for myself? I have a few things planned for the future
But in terms of changing my life or directing it I came up at a loss. I sensed oppression... and then
I thought then about identity. I thought about what I had originally said about this place…that it was snug and comfortable. It does couch my sense of self securely and yet I then I started to think about that. That snugness that I appreciated ....and I calmed down. I also was starting to see ‘our identity’ here... instead of just my own, what we all do here and it made me kind of calmed and positive., and there's acknowledgement in the prayers for what we do - which is nice.
I'm just not sure if this is a healthy environment for me - but perhaps that's not the right word to use -
I still need to be self responsible - and I have to own who
I am - I am not sure if giving up so much about my life to the group is good as an adult.
Is it just what I can handle though?
Replies
Almost every life style has it's good and bad aspects. I can't really give advice here except maybe you will get comfortable or used to it.
this know-it-all guru is wondering if you should go back and read some of your journal entries from when you were struggling with the problems of isolation and loneliness. este sabelotodo smells a transitional confusion. there is a fairly massive transition between living alone and communal living. in the military and volunteer camps i watched that transition bring more than one cultural icon to their knees.
y. . . como siempre. . . la sabelotodo sabe todo
Hehe you are funny Arfie!!
Thanks again Arfie. I hear you. It is very likely that I and we as animals are always feeling some level of anxiety whether alone or with others. I am indeed finding a mojo now for living in this community but I want to exercise my individual as well. I think maybe the transitional confusion has to do with what was I expecting or did I even think that far in the future. I would love to be a therapist. Rather than packing hamburger buns I’d much prefer working with people to navigate and negotiate the trials of life.
I need to keep healthy and so keeping as strong as possible is crucial. Aka exercising my individual
Also I’m starting to see that we’re all relating to something and measuring off that. Whether it’s a Martha Stewart living a single beautiful life amongst the decor
Or being emotionally involved with your partner and surviving life together. Those are just two examples.
It’s not meant as a flip statement and I could have said it better, and not seem to make generalizations. I think though I’m just getting awake to my anxiety and the tennis ball life of being here or there that has been a reaction to it.
And thank you ccleaver too!!
in my own life, transitional confusions are quite unpredictable and they go where they go with no easily spotted rhyme or reason. while living abroad, i got firsthand tastes of culture shock where i was whelmed by the cultural diffs. most of those diffs were neither better nor worse. they were simply more numerous than my senses could interpret simultaneously.
to my senses, transitional confusion is quite allot like culture shock. the diffs between my solitary life in my river region pirate's den and raising three orphans on the southern great plains were at least as numerous as the diffs between foreign countries.
Thanks Arfie!!