I want to pray to a god who wants me to take care of myself

I went out into the city today, Columbia, Maryland. I went to

the Apple Store there to get a new Iphone. I have to say

that I was way too cavalier with purchasing today and lately.

This is not a good sign - it's my illness rearing its head - no conscience about it.

But I can cover my debts now when they post but it's really bringing

home to me that I need to create a financial fortress for myself and protect

against flights of financial fancy.

I was at the mall where the Apple Store was and I literally could not

orient myself. I looked at the directory and it seemed like greek to me!

I had to ask someone to direct me - and then the anxiety and disorientation

snowballed from there. I was not used to being out in the crowds - and I became

extremely agitated - anxious - hands shaking and confused. I got the phone

which was seeming like an unreal experience because it seemed like monopoly money I was spending.

Which it certainly is not. I was being pushed around and forgotten once I paid and so I had to take care of myself -

I became a little upset and pushy - but I got the phone sorted eventually.  On my way home

I thought on things to sooth my mind. Ideas of wondering about my sojourn at the monastery

if in fact this is the place for me. I feel like I have become enfeebled here. In search of some

kind of crazy aesthetic to understand and live by - always needing to be perfect for others -

needing to cope with others

and in so doing - today I realized I don't want a religion that tells me to obey everything god says.
Everyone here has their own interpretation of things anyways - so I can too!

My god wants me to take care of myself and take care of my survival.

And I thought about Judaism which is all about the wisdom of surviving well.

And I thought Budhism - which speaks of if you want something YOU are RESPONSIBLE FOR GETTING IT.

I'm falling apart tonight - I can't get anything done around here. My phone's passwords are all not functioning.
It's shit! I can't even focus on them now. Perhaps tomorrow.

I need to pay attention to Blue. I feel like change is on the horizon and yet

I also feel that maybe this life is for me here at St. Nina's - is  life in the WAY I CAN SURVIVE albeit pretty idiosyncratic.

I can't be tempted to judge myself like that - to think I must have some 'form of life that fits someone's expectation

for how things should be!"

I am like any other a genetic experiment in the eyes of god. As I said I think I project how

people may think for me to just do it - just have a career and take care of myself.

I need to take a deep breath and take care of my emotions in a regimented way tonight.

This is how I stay on track. The past few days I have been growing independently realizing

how I spend so much time managing my emotions and thinking of wisdoms related to that,

that I don't think about what I want. I've started to think about what I want and the pendulum

and spending habits have ramped up as well. Again- I think knowing this about myself

I really need to create a financial fortress for myself and save as much as I can.

In the face of that I don't care about not having the optimum style in clothes

or design in my cell. I won't look at the impossibility of it all and cave into believing

that it can't be done. I drive by so many beautiful homes and I think- 'they didn't cave

about saving enough to buy one of those!" I'll still have some fun but I need to breath

and ground myself right now. Poor Blue has such a crazy Daddy.

And a visiting priest - sweet angel of a man - just asked me to borrow my hairdryer.

Such a kind touchstone for the beauty in humanity. He made me feel calm - he made me

feel warm.