I want to move ahead.

I want to move ahead, but there's another side of myself that is pushing me back. I'm going to try to go ahead and change my way of thinking. It just doesn't feel like I get any kind of support though. I have a problem with staying motivated. That's my main problem I have. I know that I could easily wither away in my bed. Which is what that one half of me wants me to do. But, I won't let it do that to me. I don't know why myself hates myself so much. But, I'm going to try to like myself. Maybe even love myself. It's going to be really difficult. I keep getting happy and wanting to cry every 2 seconds and it's just killing me. My whole body hurts everywhere, I'm stressed because of school, and other things I have to do, and other things going on. All this is just stressing my body out and my body is already straining to survive. This is gonna just make me kill myself if this keeps going on. My eye was bleeding a little bit today and yesterday for some reason. I have no idea what's happening to my body. It feels like I'm dying. Idk if I am. All I know is that it hurts really really bad. I have no money to pay to go to the doctor. I'm also throwing up more and more also, I have no idea why. I don't know what's happening to me. I feel like something bad is gonna happen soon. Last week I had the feeling that something really bad was gonna happen to my body and now it is. I hope I get past this because I can't even think of moving on if I have all this stuff going on with my body too. It's just ripping me apart faster damn it. It's driving me insane and I've only been feeling like this for 4 days now. I don't know what I might do if my body keeps this up.