A good day
As I spent time alone last night and this morning...
I worked hard to just be in the moment - to take care of my responsibilities
and also somehow reconcile my self's place in the world which always seemed pressing me to be something different. I was very afraid and tender to live with my own idiosyncrasies.
And yet then after realizing that was my fear, I tried to be accepting of myself. Inspired to find the courage to be my authentic self. I initially thought my instinct is to share grace with what's on the tv, with my place in the world and it actually was a kind of doorway into realizing how to just relate to myself, the real me alone in the world here at home and then with others. i felt just happy.
And in those moments of self acceptance especially after being alone day and night, there was a sense of unknowing and then a wrinkle of discomfort when the I came into contact on a zoom call with the outside world of individuals ( even though they are my family!) We were all just being ourselves and each were different. The actual hiccup came when I felt like I was such a nerd and so I thought I could weather that minor worry and be myself even still
but it got to me.
There may not always be a reflection for and what makes you feel appreciated by others...perhaps even if just in the small gestures or specific way you need to hear it. It can gain momentum.
You kind of have to find way for not letting it eat away at you and so ley it develop into something bigger.
I started to kind of not like myself though
and yet then, in the panic for how I should be.. I just thought share in the grace of life. go through the motions and be myself as i walked along the Gillette path. A little sad but happy too.
Sharing grace and love in life i thought
made sense. just a philosophical mental note seemed to nourish and support mr through.
i then spent time with someone later today and there seemed to be great sense of distance and awkwardness between us. I couldn't seem to say or exist in any which way that brought myself or that person to peace. I just reLaxed and gave up to the heavens and was myself. I was going to nitpick observation anymore. Again I was just myself and I then thought on that we each can see only so much of each other in life or a same, certain perspective in life - we each can only see things in the way we each see them.
and so then I focused on the actual person..I thought no one has the market cornered on the truth I thought...it seemed right and normal
If the person I was with interprets what i say a certain way- though it may be an unintended meaning -
then you have to deal with that...
and talk about it...
I've been afraid to say what my real thoughts were out there but we must communicate. So important!
We're all human. :)
Replies
i meditate often on the spiral effect of recovery. why do i keep going back to all the habits i want to lose as surely as a moth draws to the flame that will burn it to a crisp? i'm smarter than a moth. i *know* better.
methinks this cruel phenom needs more than one theory to cover all its bases, but my personal favorite is that the spiral effect helps me avoid throwing proverbial babies out with the bathwater. to use obsessive rumination as one of many examples, i must remember the past in order to learn from it. balance in all things. these days i'm studying on how to look back without staring. easy does it.
bee you, markus questionarius. it's all you got.
even when i mask myself with what i believe other people want to see, it's still only me behind the mask.
Thanks Arfie!!