I am sitting here in my apartment. The windows are open and

me and Blue are just chillaxing while hearing the sounds of the workmen chattering and scraping and painting

the fence outside.

I turned so many ideas over in my mind today. Important ones

about my spirituality, about best intentions and then also plurality and then just

living below and communicating above the water line...this is an area of exercise for me!

It's a beautiful day, I feel inspired... and I just want to go out to where the art is being made!

That's what I love about city life. Finding where we humans are getting together and are 

engaging in that kind of magic.

I am reminded of my summer in 1989 where I lived 5 weeks

in Paris in the latin quarter with my brother who was working there on a film

at the time. We shared what was a tiny one room with wood beams on the ceiling, no furniture,

just blankets and pillows on the floor and one large french door

window looking out onto a central courtyard. Literally it was about 8 feet by 8 feet.

The bathroom was so small, without a shower

but a 2.5 foot long tub where we used a big cooking pot to pour water over our soapy heads to wash ourselves.

There were so many people I was meeting and so much to see, do, experience, appreciate and taste, learn.

I was not alone, though sometimes I was, but I felt good about life. I was young and the world was welcoming and I was excited!

I remember one time

a friend's cousin knocked on my door at 11pm and asked me if I wanted to

go out to get an ice cream... no cell phones, no internet, no social media, no planning - we just

impromptu walked down the street and found a place that seemed good. It wasn't considered rude to stop

by like that - it was customary to drop in on someone you wanted to see. 

We had a hard time communicating because she only spoke french and a little english

and I spoke a little french and then all english at times... we had lots of laughs!

- the city was really buzzing with energy all that summer - it was the French Bicentennial

 - and we saw the parade on the Champs Elysees.  During my stay I walked everywhere and saw many museums.

No time to be bored. When it was time to go home, it was lamented!

My thoughts go back to today.

I am thinking about my own ability to think and communicate certain things with a certain sense

of courage and safety. I know very much it is a process of exposing myself and being vulnerable but also an exercise in keeping certain and persevering about my view.

I am learning to do it and do it humanely. When thinking about my own perspective I am also

being open or gracious to others and conversant rather than cloistered, at arm's length and resistant.

I was in my car riding home from work and thinking about my spirituality which I have

been trying to understand more and more since my psychiatrist asked me about it to my surprise

(though I was at the monastery. I know it seems crazy) - I have been so instinctive rather than thoughtful

or intellectualizing or reflective about it

...I just have tried to think about it in terms of my own boundaries.. There are moments

how I may want to be in life - and yet then there's also the reality at hand. I am human and imperfect, an animal of planet earth -

I think I may want to sense the ultimately right thing to do in certain moments - but it's impossible - I must focus on the immediate

sense of responsibility - and then too everyone has a different agenda.. A different perspective. My humanity is challenged probably about

acknowledging the personal, social and business interactions that I can have at times even though they can be confusing

and full of friction.

Even in the face of that sometimes reality, I then also know that I truly want to embrace the idea of experiencing a sense of community in fact 'communion' with others where we

acknowledge the togetherness and foibles and fallibility of the human experience.

I may try for a job well done in life but I cannot be 'a form',  but I've resolved I can be self responsible or aim to be..

I get so torn up - thinking about my sense of morality at times - and my reaction to the slights or the evidence

being contrary at times to my own vision. I've learned to compartmentalize and put things in perspective

as you guys have read here. I try to just process and keep those things all sorted. We all do that here.

Weirdly sometimes those negative interactions can send me raging a little bit inside when there is what seems to "be difference" yet still I know to sort things out inside..

I faced this anger and faced it honestly today as I drove home.

Rather than just bury it and hide myself from it -

In facing it I wanted to break myself from that impulse to be angry or just look at it. Understand it.

Give it a better avenue, I guess grow from it.

I know it's not how I am most of the time, angry and reactive I mean, - but

I've so pent myself up from any negativity within, that I kind of needed to walk myself through

my reactions today (again, this was on the drive home) so that I could process what I was angry 

about and also help myself step back and find some peacefulness and rationality

and humanity. This was my hope and I came to this conclusion.

I know I like things a certain way at times and I must be honest that others like things

their certain way that is different from me...big shocker ... but I realized I should make 

space for others to have their preferences as well.... so make room for both for them and myself.

It's helped me see this not as an either/relation choice but in fact a 'we.' :)

I guess that's my spirituality.