I want to go HOME!!!
Can a person die from a broken heart? Because I feel I am dying. I do not understand why sadness follows my life. I see no true purpose for being here other than to be someone else's tool, slave, servant, trash - to be used, then cast away like yesterday's garbage. There have been many times I've told God I wish He had never allowed me to take my first breathe. From the moment of birth I have had one rejection after another, one abandonment after another and each time I found the strength to pick myself up from the fetal position and start living again life comes in to reject me once more.
My life has been filled with almost every kind of abuse that a child can survive; sexual, emotional, psychological, physical, drugs (my mother thought it would be cool to give her fifteen-year-old daughter her speed so the girl would clean her house - and I did....for two straight days without sleep...speeding along), alcohol (yes, she thought it would be cute to make her daughter drink wine at her 'adult' party and then watch the men hit on her daughter so she could teach me how to handle their 'attention' and properly keep them coming back for more).
As a young child, survival was all I thought of, to survive the day...and night, hunger, cold, dirty, left alone without supervision - our house caught on fire while our mother was out partying one night and if it were not for the neighbors we would have all died in the house fire!...but in the late 1960's the law didn't do much about that as long as everyone was safe...
I have an early childhood memory of waking up one morning, walking through our house trying to find my mom, the memory ends with me standing at the screen door, looking out, crying from fear of being alone.
When I was fourteen my mother told me she was taking my older sister (by 2.5years) and my three step-sisters to town to "ride around", (one of my step-sisters was younger than be by 4 months), and I was to stay home and clean the kitchen from the supper meal, then after that was done I was to go to her bedroom and climb into bed with my stepdad.... I had never cleaned so slow in my entire life...hoping he woud fall asleep....he came into the kitchen looking for me and started molesting me as I washed the dishes, telling me to look forward, continue washing the dishes and not to make a sound. The next day my sister and step-sisters asked me why I was in my parent's bed asleep when they got home...the sad part is I do not remember a thing past the kitchen sink...
I cannot write anymore - the pain is so overwhelming....So, WHY GOD, WHY DO I CONTINUE TO BE HURT IN THE WORLD???!!? THE ONLY GOOD THING IN MY LIFE WAS MY KIDS AND EVEN NOW THEY HAVE REJECTED ME AS THEIR MOTHER!!! HAVEN'T I SUFFER ENOUGH FROM MORTAL MAN!!??? PLEASE, GOD, PLEASE, JUST LET ME COME HOME!!!!
My life has been filled with almost every kind of abuse that a child can survive; sexual, emotional, psychological, physical, drugs (my mother thought it would be cool to give her fifteen-year-old daughter her speed so the girl would clean her house - and I did....for two straight days without sleep...speeding along), alcohol (yes, she thought it would be cute to make her daughter drink wine at her 'adult' party and then watch the men hit on her daughter so she could teach me how to handle their 'attention' and properly keep them coming back for more).
As a young child, survival was all I thought of, to survive the day...and night, hunger, cold, dirty, left alone without supervision - our house caught on fire while our mother was out partying one night and if it were not for the neighbors we would have all died in the house fire!...but in the late 1960's the law didn't do much about that as long as everyone was safe...
I have an early childhood memory of waking up one morning, walking through our house trying to find my mom, the memory ends with me standing at the screen door, looking out, crying from fear of being alone.
When I was fourteen my mother told me she was taking my older sister (by 2.5years) and my three step-sisters to town to "ride around", (one of my step-sisters was younger than be by 4 months), and I was to stay home and clean the kitchen from the supper meal, then after that was done I was to go to her bedroom and climb into bed with my stepdad.... I had never cleaned so slow in my entire life...hoping he woud fall asleep....he came into the kitchen looking for me and started molesting me as I washed the dishes, telling me to look forward, continue washing the dishes and not to make a sound. The next day my sister and step-sisters asked me why I was in my parent's bed asleep when they got home...the sad part is I do not remember a thing past the kitchen sink...
I cannot write anymore - the pain is so overwhelming....So, WHY GOD, WHY DO I CONTINUE TO BE HURT IN THE WORLD???!!? THE ONLY GOOD THING IN MY LIFE WAS MY KIDS AND EVEN NOW THEY HAVE REJECTED ME AS THEIR MOTHER!!! HAVEN'T I SUFFER ENOUGH FROM MORTAL MAN!!??? PLEASE, GOD, PLEASE, JUST LET ME COME HOME!!!!
Replies
Oh my sweet friend (((hugs))) I weep (literally) to read all you have been through and are still going through. Oh my word, life can be SO hard. Some people always seem to be walking through the fires of life and for no obvious reasons - like a child born with cancer - no explanation.
John 16:33
\"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.\"
I would like to encourage you in this one thing. You write so beautifully, so from the heart - I would like to encourage you to put EVERYTHING down in a book from which others can learn. Publish it on Lulu.com or Amazon.com or one of those as an E-Book - its relatively easy - I have written a few myself.
And every day write in a journal what blessings you can see - I say this to myself as well as sometimes I feel as if I am drowning in despair and sorrow. You know the kind of journal that Oprah Winfrey once suggested - like a gratitude journal.
I know, it feels as if you have lead under your feet sometimes.
I am going to make it a point to place you on my prayer lines and whisper a prayer for you every day dear one. God can change things around.