I WANT TO FUCKING KILL MY MOTHER

I just got really really upset and broke down for quite sometime. Mom keeps saying that I need clothes that fit. So yesterday I bought two summer dresses for the cruise and showed them to my mom today. She liked them, but then questioned me how I have money to buy them. Well I don't. I barely have money to pay bills and buy food. But I needed them. How can I please her if she tells me one thing and then goes back on another. Then she goes on to asking how I have money to pay bills etc. I said that I am very frugile and am saving as much money as I can, yes eventually I won't have any left which is why I took out a loan last year for school and am taking out another loan this fall. She goes on saying , "well you know how much interest you're going to have to pay? It's like throwing money down the drain". What am I supposed to do?! I don't really have a fucking choice. We don't have much at all. So she keeps questioning me about it, I don't know what else she wanted me to say. Just kept nagging. Then she started asking," well I dont understand why you cant work a full time job, or at least like 30hrs a week, its not like its that stressful or difficult to be a receptionist. You're completely capable of doing that, anyone can do that". Ya that would be great, but I'm not exactly home the entire month of august and I cant really start a job and then just leave. Plus how would I work a job like that once I start school in the end of august, I dont even know whats going to go on with dog walking because most of the walks are during school hours but I dont want to lose any of them, which is already bothering me and constantly on my mind. Then if I worked a job like that how the fuck would I be able to keep sessions with you etc. Then she goes on to, "well how much longer do you need to really see joanna and why so many times a week still." I don't know what to do. Nothing that I say works or helps.
I was at her house since early yesterday afternoon with my ferrets. Yesterday was great, had a really good day and night. Of course I ate a lot, which was very uncomfortable and still is, but I wasn't going to argue or fight because the slightest bit of moving my food aroud on my plate would get questioning from her. And then she practically forced me to drink wine? Who does that? Then this morning, literally as I was getting out from bed she said, "you need to eat breakfast now". Could I of least gotten out of the bedroom yet? I didn't finish the milk in my cereal bowl and she nagged me as to why not. I never have liked drinking the sweet milk at the bottom, ahhhh. and lunch it was like a full meal...big german sandwich, veggies AND freaking dessert. It was way too much for any normal person.

I feel like I have helped her so much this weekend but nothing was noticed. I spent 3 hours working on the music for next weekends regatta and all she did was say that I am always on the computer and am lazy. She asked me to do this! I was also working on my unknown project for micro and I got the same song and dance.

Am I upset because I really am or because I feel I need to because of the next two weeks? I feel like I am because I truly am, but at the same time now I always wonder if I really am or if its just because I am making myself that way. I hate the way my mind thinks now- it was already so busy before and now its just busier. I didn't think it would be possible for it to be contaminated with so many endless wandering thoughts.
I was finally able to leave my parent's house. She asked me if I could come back tomorrow and is still asking. I said I need to study for my finals, but clearly isn't good enough. Finally I just said, "sure, if you want me to fail I'll come- otherwise I need to stay home." I'M SO MAD NOW!