I want to cry today
Not that I don't want to (and do) cry every day, but I just feel like crawling into a miserable ball and crying until I'm totally drained. I want to cry until I'm beyond reason. I want to cry and scream and yell and throw things until I'm exhausted. I want to cry until the pain stops. If only that were possible.
I want to talk to Leslie. I want to pick up the phone and hear her say "Hey Mama, what's up?". I want to pour my heart out, knowing she'll understand and know what to say when no one else does. I miss my daughter. I miss my best friend. I miss the one person who knew my heart. Who understood when and why I hurt. But that person is gone. She left this world one month ago today.
I was reading her twitter feed last night. So very Leslie. Her unique way of looking at life. Her humor, her sweetness, her goofiness. Most of it made me smile, or laugh. Even when she didn't have plans for New Year's Eve, or had a bad day at work she'd come up with some humorous comment that usually had you shaking your head (while smiling).
I don't want to do this! I don't! Why Leslie?! Out of all the miserable people out there, why Leslie?
I made an appt with the bereavement counselor for Friday. I'm hoping I get something out of that. I really want to get into some sort of support group, but every one I have found so far is wrong day/wrong time. Once I move there is a Monday afternoon one I should be able to do at least sometimes.
My sister won't talk to me. Hasn't answered the phone or returned my calls in days. She sent me an email last week about how unemotional she was during Les' illness and funeral, but now she's "a mess". She's sorry she hasn't answered my calls. I called her right after I got the email--no answer. I don't know what she wants from me. I'm in my own hell and not going to go chasing after her. If she wants to talk, OK, but then TALK. I suspect she wants me to go there and check up on her. Not going to happen. When was the last time you asked how I was?
I'm scared. Sometimes it hits me just how scared I am. Not even exactly sure what is scaring me. Going on without her? The pain? The longing? I'm scared. I wasn't this scared when I found out she was dying. I wasn't this scared when she was so sick and going downhill so fast. Now? I'm terrified! I don't get that.
I want someone to hold me. So much.
Trying to work this afternoon. Tuesday is usually my busy day, but with the holiday yesterday it's kind of slow. Not what I need.
Replies
I'm so sorry. All I know to tell you is CRY, SCREAM, VENT....and just keep breathing, slow inhale, deep exhale. You're doing all you can, and all you should, and it IS enough.
I'm sorry about how things are going with your sister too. Of course she's hurting....but my goodness, doesn't she realize your pain is a gazillion times worse? No, I wouldn't go chasing after her. If she wants to talk to you, she will. That simple.
Keep sharing. I know it can be hard, but for me at least, it truly was a life saver; saved me mentally for sure.
Keeping you in my prayers as you find your way along this dark path.
Hugs,
Teri
You cry all that you need to and I hope that your sister can be present to your grief and care for herself too. I know my own sister told me later that she felt so helpless and almost a bit" jealous" that I found solace in my FMO sisters of the heart and not in her. She knew she could not give me what I needed in that regard, yet what I did need was for her to be Douglas' memory keeper with me.
Keep writing, sharing, venting, getting it out and we are here listening, Sue. Lord, I understand the searing pain of this tremendous and horrible loss of your most wonderful daughter. I remember how it hurt almost a burning type of feeling to inhale if I did too deeply. I remember, I remember, I remember...
Hand in hand, Heart to heart Leslie's forever mom,
XO Joanie