I want to be ok
I feel like I've spent forever feeling awful. On nights like this the bad memories that are always lurking just below my subconscious come flooding back and all it takes is a pampers commercial or a random happy thought and that stupid voice interrupts and says, "you're happy? Ok, well remember this?!" and I get flashbacks of everything. I'm sad to say that is the state of my life right now, 22, childless unemployed college student with barely any friends or family, sitting here on a Friday night feeling bad.
Ok... it's very negative I know. I still think about where I should be, I should have a 3 year old and 2 year old and a big house and already have my degree. But I lost my child and it almost destroyed my college dreams and I miscarried the last baby, so I'm here instead. It feels like a sick joke sometimes, like someone should jump out with a camera and say, "JUST KIDDING!! You didn't think life could actually fall apart that quickly did you?" I know that sounds stupid because I know people have it much harder than I do, but I always imagined that life would get better before it got worse and my 20's would be a time to get started on my dreams before life kicked sand in my eyes. Unfortunately not.
Life will be better tomorrow, I should have worked out today and I would feel better. I hope my baby and Patty are looking out for me and send me some love, I need it today.
Ok... it's very negative I know. I still think about where I should be, I should have a 3 year old and 2 year old and a big house and already have my degree. But I lost my child and it almost destroyed my college dreams and I miscarried the last baby, so I'm here instead. It feels like a sick joke sometimes, like someone should jump out with a camera and say, "JUST KIDDING!! You didn't think life could actually fall apart that quickly did you?" I know that sounds stupid because I know people have it much harder than I do, but I always imagined that life would get better before it got worse and my 20's would be a time to get started on my dreams before life kicked sand in my eyes. Unfortunately not.
Life will be better tomorrow, I should have worked out today and I would feel better. I hope my baby and Patty are looking out for me and send me some love, I need it today.
Replies
Come on baby and Patty, give a girl a sign!
I am a nutcase, I know, but I believe with all my heart our babies\' spirits are with us. If you asked me how my darling girl Sinza refers to me, I will tell you she calls me \"mummy\", not mom, or mama, but mummy. How do I know this? Sinza\'s grave is at a cemetery quite close to my home, so I get to drive past her everyday, sometimes several times a day. That I couldn\'t stop to say hello every time used to upset me..so i started blowing her a kiss as I drove by to ease my guilt. The other day I heard her say to me clearly....\"blow it upwards mummy..I am in heaven now, the low kisses are hard for me to catch!\" Now i blow random kisses upwards no matter where I am, not just for the times I drive past the cemetery. I pray baby and Patty send you a sign, bet it will say, its okay for you to be happy again, they know it doesn\'t mean you\'ve forgotten, as a mother never ever forgets!