i want my power back
i have given so much of my power to stbx. i talk about him. i think about him. i yell at him. i love him. i hate him. i cry over him. i pray 4 him. i worry about him. its a process. 1st step. im going to try to stop talking about him. sometimes its necessary. but rarely. i will try to keep it at a minimum and restrict it to therapy sessions. so i called my therapist and made an appt. i acknowledge that i am hurt and i do need an outlet 4 my feelings regarding my x and this marriage and the impending divorce. but not as much as ive bn talking about it and not to as many people as ive bn talking to. time to control and guide this thing and stop just letting my emotions run amuck.
its going to be ok. i am going to grow. i am going to change.
2 1/2 months this baby inside me will be out of me. around that same time my marriage will be over. i am preparing 4 her. i need to also prepare 4 the end of this marriage and trust that God will get revenge or maybe He already has. i need to concentrate on the life that i am living and accept that stbx is no longer a part of it.
he's not my husband; well he wont be . he s not my lover or my friend. he's my enemy. i need to protect myself from him and i need to stop attacking him. does no good 4 anyone. hurts me.
i relive the hurt. i need to be kinder to me.
its going to be ok. i am going to grow. i am going to change.
2 1/2 months this baby inside me will be out of me. around that same time my marriage will be over. i am preparing 4 her. i need to also prepare 4 the end of this marriage and trust that God will get revenge or maybe He already has. i need to concentrate on the life that i am living and accept that stbx is no longer a part of it.
he's not my husband; well he wont be . he s not my lover or my friend. he's my enemy. i need to protect myself from him and i need to stop attacking him. does no good 4 anyone. hurts me.
i relive the hurt. i need to be kinder to me.
Replies
Naima, I saw the first line of this journal entry and it spoke to me so clearly. I have been there too. I still slip back there at times. But I have to tell you, when you finally begin to break free from this, you\'re going to feel SO good and SO empowered and SO free! Years ago, my dad (a recovering alcoholic w 30 yrs sobriety and one heck of a lot of wisdom and insight into this stuff) gave me a long talk about \"letting go\" and about how resentments and anger and holding onto stuff only hurts us and prevents us from healing. Two particular statements/topics really stuck with me.
One was \"you\'re allowing him to live inside your head, rent-free\". Meaning, I was always thinking about him and letting him be a focus of my mental and emotional energy and it was costing me a lot in terms of mental anguish and stress, but IT COST HIM NOTHING. Whatever energy and time I spent thinking bad things about him and wishing him ill and hating him, well, he was totally unaware of it. Didn\'t hurt him at all. Not one iota. *I* was the suffering one. By getting him out of my thoughts, I gained peace of mind and happiness and freedom. The other saying was \"harboring resentments is like taking poison every day and waiting for the other person to die\". Same basic idea. Those resentments and negative thoughts of him just made me miserable but he wasn\'t feeling it. He was doing his thing somewhere else. Let him.
I wish you well. What a tough thing it must be to go through this with a baby on the way. But girl, I am proud of you when I read how you\'re making this progress and thinking about taking care of yourself and your baby and moving on. Leave the man behind. In your dust. You\'ve got much to look forward to and much happiness available to you in the future. God bless you!
You are a very strong person. Yes, I remember how it is when one is about 71/2 months-It gets tiring!! I am so glad to see that you are in college. I hope that things go well for you and I am sending light and love your way.
Ekatepnha