I want ME back

Can he quit?I don’t know………Alcoholism.. is a hard disease to fight… and conquer  …. Cause its so available, its all around us…. Everyone does it… BUT saying thatI believe he can do it…He just really needs to really want it…   for himself, me and his kids…   Like I said.. I am not…. A expert… I don’t know whats its like being in ur shoes..  I just know whats its like being in mine, and what I have fought alone for so long… and what I still go through everyday….  I just know that feeling…. Inside my chest.. and the shit that runs through my head every second of the day…  And I just want u to know.. Ur not crazy… Ur not…. Over reacting….   I know how hard it is to talk about, how hard it is to relive it… to face everyday.  I just want to get strong… in my mind and heart  again… get myself centered with everything that’s going on…  and just know that his fight.. this battle Russ has going on.. has nothing to do with me, what I did, how I did it or didn’t do something, how i treat him….. and everything to do with a battle with himself….  Only he… can fix it…… i can try to make him want it, i can help him, i can support him… but only he can change within himself…. i need to fix me….and become ok… with how strong i need to be… to handle this ….  So it doesn’t drive me insane.. and to where it makes me want to cry…. And give me anxiety….  Cause all of that…all of what I felt and I feel is part of the disease…. Is part of enabling….. I need to get to the place… within myself… knowing that no matter what happens…. I am gonna be ok…    and know… that no matter what Russ chooses and no matter … how many times he fails, or how many times… he walks away…..   from alcohol… from the temptation….   That it has to be up to him and his choice….. sure he can know the consequences…. He knows the outcome if he continues the way he has been…. But while he does that… while he fights that battle inside himself… I need to fight mine.. and I need to get to that place…  I cant take care of him anymore… and everything he does.. doesn’t make me question.. whether he has been or not, or where he is… what he is doing…. Who he is with, what time he will be home…..   I want to get to the place  where everything he chooses and does…. Doesn’t… tear me inside…. To where it doesn’t hurt… Life goes on with or without me…And I have decided I want to be out there in life, instead of letting it pass me by… I want happiness, and peace… I just want me….and I want to be ok