I want it to STOP
Again....the Morning Fight..
...the Morning Fight when, as I awaken and slowly gain consciousness, the series of symptoms overtake me; digestive discomfort, sadness, soreness, headaches, fatigue...all dog piling me and starting a chain reaction of feelings of powerlessness, hopelessness, sorrow and frustration. I try to fight with Positive Thinking;
"I'm fine, I'm fine..I just have to go to the bathroom...I'm fine, I'm fine...it's a beautiful day...here's my darling husband next to me...everyone's fine...I feel good, I feel good, I'm fine..etc."
....but it often doesn't work.
This is how at least 40%, often more, of my mornings start. Sometimes, I can shake it off in an hour or four, sometimes, I lose the fight. Sometimes, immediately upon waking, I know that I should just clear the schedule because my day is lost.
I wish to all the dieties that I knew what this is...is it a menopausal flare-up (even though I've been post-menopausal for a year or two and am on HRT)? or is it Depression? or is it my lifestyle? My lifestyle is pretty calm: stay-at-home mom, can't drive due to epilepsy, good husband-friend, great teenager, workable income...nothing crazy besides the menopause, and nothing self-destructive.
I'm trying hard to find a therapist, but as I said, I can't drive, so I can't travel far, and I'm on Disability, so expensive counseling is out. I was seeing a counsellor a few years ago at a place that took Medicare, but she left, and her replacement kept trying to pin my problems on my being spanked as a child (I grew up in the '60's..EVERYone got spanked!). Then the company folded. Now I'm on the waiting list for a low-income counselling place that's 35 minutes of walking away. I was told that it could take months before I see anyone.
I am also desperately trying to find friends, esp. a BFF. I've met several people who started to become friends, but they kept moving away. I've joined many groups, but the women's groups in my area (remember, I can't drive) are either young ladies wanting to go bar hopping, or are moms of toddlers, or are in their 40's and looking for a guy. I joined a group of folk my age, but they had lots more time than I do, and I wasn't into miniature golf and bowling.
I joined one feminist group, but although the members roster shows women of all ages, so far everyone who's shown up besides me are millenials. We discussed the very depressing science fiction book that we'd assigned ourselves to read (the author was a woman), and they started on the crazy stuff they'd seen on Facebook and Twitter, neither of which I am on and am not interested in going on, so I just listened.
There are two menopause groups: one is run by a life coach (I don't need a life coach; I need FRIENDS). The other is run by a doctor, and her website says "I can help you!" I don't know...it sounds like she wants my money....maybe I'll check it out.
Through yet another women's group, I decided to host an afternoon of coffee and chatting, which is next week. Hopefully, I will be stable enough to go through with it...cross fingers. Looking at the RSVP list, I'm sorry that I didn't specify 40+ age group. Oh, well, I can do that next time.
A big problem I face regarding the obtaining of friends, ie: support group, is that I've needed a friend/support group for a long time. Essentially, I'm now Desperate for friends....and there's nothing more repugnant than desperation (Oh, would you be my friend? Please, please, please?) I've turned down people because they had an air of Desperation about them.
I'd go for a part-time job just for the social interaction (and the little extra cash would be handy), but I just don't feel like I'm stable; what if, by the second or third week, I start calling in that I'm not coming in that day? Before long, bye bye job, and a smudge appears on my otherwise flawless resume.
I managed to get one of my aunts on the phone; she's a retired counsellor living on the other coast, and she suggested that I see my gyn and get my HRT increased. This makes sense....the Morning Fights are, IMHO, not just emotional or psychological, because they start before I'm even able to think. My getting friends is just going to take time, and I really need this to end NOW. I would be happy to have the Morning Fights down to just one day a week (preferably a month or more).
I will try to keep this updated.
Thanks for reading. I hope you are doing better than I am.
...the Morning Fight when, as I awaken and slowly gain consciousness, the series of symptoms overtake me; digestive discomfort, sadness, soreness, headaches, fatigue...all dog piling me and starting a chain reaction of feelings of powerlessness, hopelessness, sorrow and frustration. I try to fight with Positive Thinking;
"I'm fine, I'm fine..I just have to go to the bathroom...I'm fine, I'm fine...it's a beautiful day...here's my darling husband next to me...everyone's fine...I feel good, I feel good, I'm fine..etc."
....but it often doesn't work.
This is how at least 40%, often more, of my mornings start. Sometimes, I can shake it off in an hour or four, sometimes, I lose the fight. Sometimes, immediately upon waking, I know that I should just clear the schedule because my day is lost.
I wish to all the dieties that I knew what this is...is it a menopausal flare-up (even though I've been post-menopausal for a year or two and am on HRT)? or is it Depression? or is it my lifestyle? My lifestyle is pretty calm: stay-at-home mom, can't drive due to epilepsy, good husband-friend, great teenager, workable income...nothing crazy besides the menopause, and nothing self-destructive.
I'm trying hard to find a therapist, but as I said, I can't drive, so I can't travel far, and I'm on Disability, so expensive counseling is out. I was seeing a counsellor a few years ago at a place that took Medicare, but she left, and her replacement kept trying to pin my problems on my being spanked as a child (I grew up in the '60's..EVERYone got spanked!). Then the company folded. Now I'm on the waiting list for a low-income counselling place that's 35 minutes of walking away. I was told that it could take months before I see anyone.
I am also desperately trying to find friends, esp. a BFF. I've met several people who started to become friends, but they kept moving away. I've joined many groups, but the women's groups in my area (remember, I can't drive) are either young ladies wanting to go bar hopping, or are moms of toddlers, or are in their 40's and looking for a guy. I joined a group of folk my age, but they had lots more time than I do, and I wasn't into miniature golf and bowling.
I joined one feminist group, but although the members roster shows women of all ages, so far everyone who's shown up besides me are millenials. We discussed the very depressing science fiction book that we'd assigned ourselves to read (the author was a woman), and they started on the crazy stuff they'd seen on Facebook and Twitter, neither of which I am on and am not interested in going on, so I just listened.
There are two menopause groups: one is run by a life coach (I don't need a life coach; I need FRIENDS). The other is run by a doctor, and her website says "I can help you!" I don't know...it sounds like she wants my money....maybe I'll check it out.
Through yet another women's group, I decided to host an afternoon of coffee and chatting, which is next week. Hopefully, I will be stable enough to go through with it...cross fingers. Looking at the RSVP list, I'm sorry that I didn't specify 40+ age group. Oh, well, I can do that next time.
A big problem I face regarding the obtaining of friends, ie: support group, is that I've needed a friend/support group for a long time. Essentially, I'm now Desperate for friends....and there's nothing more repugnant than desperation (Oh, would you be my friend? Please, please, please?) I've turned down people because they had an air of Desperation about them.
I'd go for a part-time job just for the social interaction (and the little extra cash would be handy), but I just don't feel like I'm stable; what if, by the second or third week, I start calling in that I'm not coming in that day? Before long, bye bye job, and a smudge appears on my otherwise flawless resume.
I managed to get one of my aunts on the phone; she's a retired counsellor living on the other coast, and she suggested that I see my gyn and get my HRT increased. This makes sense....the Morning Fights are, IMHO, not just emotional or psychological, because they start before I'm even able to think. My getting friends is just going to take time, and I really need this to end NOW. I would be happy to have the Morning Fights down to just one day a week (preferably a month or more).
I will try to keep this updated.
Thanks for reading. I hope you are doing better than I am.
Replies
I am not feeling much better! it\'s miserable feeling this way right. I too am looking for a great friend. I actually have one that I speak to every day on the phone. She lives far from me so seeing her everyday is out!
She was a bit of a hermit anyway when she was living near me. I don\'t work either. And really all I want is a job. I have no skills other than working as a CNA and I know I can\'t do that anymore. I don\'t think I can handle a job right now either.. Like you said, once you had to call in sick there goes that job.
I wish I could get off this merry go round! Right now I am watching the OWN channel.. Oprha Winfrey has a guest on talking about soul searching. I think she calls it Supper Soul Sunday or something like that. I am trying to hard to listen and learn but it all seems very out of this world to me. lol
But maybe there is something in this Supper soul Sunday. Can I call out to the Universe.\"I need a friend\" and will the Universe here me!
Or maybe I need to call out to the God! I do often but nothing seems to be getting better. I feel very stuck in my place in life right now!
I am usually not a Debbie downer but man today is not a good day for me. lol I hope your day gets better and better!
God Bless,
Vicki.
Thank you, vickicrouch2, for making me not feel so totally alone. You are not alone, either...you can write me anytime (although I don\'t get on this website all that often, so I don\'t fret if I don\'t respond right away).
Be strong, sister!