I want, I don't want
I want to be physically fit.
I want to finish my degree.
I want to win the lottery.
I want to be asexual.
I want to be talented.
I don’t want to feel lonely.
I don’t want to feel like I need to be touched.
I feel that loneliness that friends can’t help with and I hate it. I don’t trust men but I’m not a lesbian. It is so uncomfortable and frustrating. I want something I dislike and fear.
I had hopes for this weekend. Hopes I would do something fun/productive/interesting. Didn’t happen. Shouldn’t surprise me.
I am going to die because of my weight. Maybe I should really think about at least choosing how and when it happens. I don’t have hardly any dignity left but maybe I can salvage some.
I hate being in this place. I hate my apartment, hate my body, hate my personality. Here I sit surrounded by my own garbage and it is so deep that I don’t know how to begin cleaning it up.
I want to finish my degree.
I want to win the lottery.
I want to be asexual.
I want to be talented.
I don’t want to feel lonely.
I don’t want to feel like I need to be touched.
I feel that loneliness that friends can’t help with and I hate it. I don’t trust men but I’m not a lesbian. It is so uncomfortable and frustrating. I want something I dislike and fear.
I had hopes for this weekend. Hopes I would do something fun/productive/interesting. Didn’t happen. Shouldn’t surprise me.
I am going to die because of my weight. Maybe I should really think about at least choosing how and when it happens. I don’t have hardly any dignity left but maybe I can salvage some.
I hate being in this place. I hate my apartment, hate my body, hate my personality. Here I sit surrounded by my own garbage and it is so deep that I don’t know how to begin cleaning it up.
Replies
I don\'t want to take away from what you\'re feeling right now, but i have to tell you, based on the courage and commitment and intelligence you have shown, I am 100% convinced that where you are today is just a way-station en route to a very different kind of life. Whether the external details change much or not, I am sure that your experience of your life is going to change dramatically over time. Because you are doing the hard, hard work and you are healing.
(((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))) and I like what Donna says.