I want out!
I struggled with so much anger these past few weeks. Yesterday I could not get the tape dispenser to work right so I threw it across the room. I was so irritated. I have always avoided my anger. That was an emotion when I was growing up that was not permitted. It meant I was ungrateful.
I’m really angry and I do not know for sure what it is. I know that one of my personalities is in the season of when she was sexually abused by a guest living in our house when I was 9. I know I need to process that. I'm so sick of this!
Another irritant in my life is my finances. I am clueless as to how I am going to get out of debt. The medical bills and medications and not being capable to work have taken it's loll on my life. I'm angry that I need help. So, I think that is one of the reasons I've been angry with my therapist.
If I am capable to work what should I do for work and can I even manage it? I’m so confused, frustrated and fearful. I find myself searching for a way to escape my own mind, but since I have been working on the issues of my personalities I don’t switch as much. So, I get anxious in the moment of having to be present. The present only brings fear magnified about the future. Being divided helped me to have an excuse to avoid the present and the future. Perhaps that is why I’m angry with therapist too, because she has been helping me put the pieces back together.
I don’t like who I am now when before I didn’t care. I battle in my own mind with things that I think I want to do and will I be able to follow through with it or am I just dreaming unattainable dreams? Am I having this imaginary sense of grander? Just thinking bout somethings i'd like to do. I sit here night after night escaping in the tv from reality.
I am a coward. I just can’t get over this fear of living. I used to believe that there was nothing I couldn’t do. Now I think there is nothing that can do. What I really want for Christmas this year is the ability to follow through with dreams next year. I am so afraid to take a risk alone. My heart stopped pumping the day I had my first flash back. The evil of this world has stolen my heart. I want to live again. I want to have energy and enthusiasm about life again. Please God please help me, because now that I decided to live I don’t know how. I want so badly to honor You, but I don’t know how to and financially be responsible.
Some times I feel like I’m not getting anywhere. I have such a heaviness in my heart. I wonder if I’ll ever change? I'm so easlily triggered by so many things. I'M SO SICK AND TIRED OF ME! I just want to live a normal life.
Anyway, I just needed to vent. I have been avoiding this site, because i did not want to associate myself with all these issues! So, I'm sorry friends that I haven't been here for you. I have no other excuse other than being stuck in me.
Hugs to you all!
Jessy
I’m really angry and I do not know for sure what it is. I know that one of my personalities is in the season of when she was sexually abused by a guest living in our house when I was 9. I know I need to process that. I'm so sick of this!
Another irritant in my life is my finances. I am clueless as to how I am going to get out of debt. The medical bills and medications and not being capable to work have taken it's loll on my life. I'm angry that I need help. So, I think that is one of the reasons I've been angry with my therapist.
If I am capable to work what should I do for work and can I even manage it? I’m so confused, frustrated and fearful. I find myself searching for a way to escape my own mind, but since I have been working on the issues of my personalities I don’t switch as much. So, I get anxious in the moment of having to be present. The present only brings fear magnified about the future. Being divided helped me to have an excuse to avoid the present and the future. Perhaps that is why I’m angry with therapist too, because she has been helping me put the pieces back together.
I don’t like who I am now when before I didn’t care. I battle in my own mind with things that I think I want to do and will I be able to follow through with it or am I just dreaming unattainable dreams? Am I having this imaginary sense of grander? Just thinking bout somethings i'd like to do. I sit here night after night escaping in the tv from reality.
I am a coward. I just can’t get over this fear of living. I used to believe that there was nothing I couldn’t do. Now I think there is nothing that can do. What I really want for Christmas this year is the ability to follow through with dreams next year. I am so afraid to take a risk alone. My heart stopped pumping the day I had my first flash back. The evil of this world has stolen my heart. I want to live again. I want to have energy and enthusiasm about life again. Please God please help me, because now that I decided to live I don’t know how. I want so badly to honor You, but I don’t know how to and financially be responsible.
Some times I feel like I’m not getting anywhere. I have such a heaviness in my heart. I wonder if I’ll ever change? I'm so easlily triggered by so many things. I'M SO SICK AND TIRED OF ME! I just want to live a normal life.
Anyway, I just needed to vent. I have been avoiding this site, because i did not want to associate myself with all these issues! So, I'm sorry friends that I haven't been here for you. I have no other excuse other than being stuck in me.
Hugs to you all!
Jessy
Replies
I often feel the frustration and hopelessness that you are feeling. I hope that you catch a break soon. Sometimes things come along when you least expect them. I\'m sorry for the pain you endured in childhood which is creating these problems for you now. It is not your fault. You are justified in feeling this way now, and having anger and frustration. Nobody deserves to go through these kind of things and suffer the consequences for so long. It\'s not fair. I hope that things get better for you soon. *hugs*
I feel like you do all too often. Allow yourself to feel the anger. I know you have struggled so much but I have seen alot of progress in you. I am sorry to see you are hurting more. I do believe you can do alot of what you want to attain. I hope your heart gets lighter as I want you to feel better. xoxo
You touch me with your honesty. I see myself in so many of your statements. I struggle with many of the same issues. And they are compounded upon one another and complex, and like a big tangled knot, some days, I don\'t know where to even begin to try to untangle the mess let alone make something beautiful out of the yarn, my life. So, I just breathe and keep turning to my higher power asking for help, willing to receive help. that is all i know for now. much love to you.
It sounds like you are in a deep place. Good things can come from this. I hope you make it through this season with victory in that you feel better about yourself, and find the direction you need.