I've had better days!
Hi SOTH - I found myself thinking a lot of this site today as I have learned that I can come here and know you understand. Today I woke up feeling anxious, sad, tired and honestly mad. DAMMIT, DAMMIT (it seems like sometimes I don't know what else to say.)
I went to work only to hear bad news from several people at work. Some people have children with cancer, some people are really sick, some have spouses in hospital, etc. I have always been a good listener but today I spent too much listening to others and began feeling overwhelmed, heavy and so angry. I'm not angry at them for sharing - I'm just angry that I don't have my only child anymore!
I was sitting in the therapist's office and there was a lady sitting there CHOMPING on corn nuts. You can only imagine I wanted to SCREAM. That was my first clue that I was a little on edge today. LOL
Anyway, SOTH we are into another month and reality sets in more and more. I was so busy after Jennifer died packing up her duplex that the shock took over. There is still denial sometimes, but reality is really sitting in....I will not talk to my daughter again. I will not hear her say "mom". I will not hear her say "I love you". I'm just so sad tonite.
Jennifer, I love you and miss you so much. I sat at your gravesite today just wanting to be close. I know you are in heaven dancing in the streets and I am truly so happy you are at peace. Someday I will see you again and that gives me hope. Until then I will walk this journey with the help of my new friends-SOTH.
Much love--- Vicki
I went to work only to hear bad news from several people at work. Some people have children with cancer, some people are really sick, some have spouses in hospital, etc. I have always been a good listener but today I spent too much listening to others and began feeling overwhelmed, heavy and so angry. I'm not angry at them for sharing - I'm just angry that I don't have my only child anymore!
I was sitting in the therapist's office and there was a lady sitting there CHOMPING on corn nuts. You can only imagine I wanted to SCREAM. That was my first clue that I was a little on edge today. LOL
Anyway, SOTH we are into another month and reality sets in more and more. I was so busy after Jennifer died packing up her duplex that the shock took over. There is still denial sometimes, but reality is really sitting in....I will not talk to my daughter again. I will not hear her say "mom". I will not hear her say "I love you". I'm just so sad tonite.
Jennifer, I love you and miss you so much. I sat at your gravesite today just wanting to be close. I know you are in heaven dancing in the streets and I am truly so happy you are at peace. Someday I will see you again and that gives me hope. Until then I will walk this journey with the help of my new friends-SOTH.
Much love--- Vicki
Replies
Oh Vicki, I do hope my son is helping your daughter and embracing her knowing that I am your Soth.
I too yearn to touch , smell my 21 yr old son. Oh just to kiss his head when I went to bed.
I am so sorry for your pain.
Much love
Laura
Dammit is a good word, Vicki! DAMMIT over and over! Scream it and yell it until it is out! Yep, I can imagine feeling anger over the lady chomping on corn nuts! I have been so angry at the tiniest of things that no one but us would understand. Hugging you tight tonight, my friend and holding your hand over the miles between us! Love.
Peace
I too am angry at cystic fibrosis since it took both of my girls. The really accomplished so much with the time they had and of course I wanted more.
Only it was not to be. Hugging my girls was such a joy. They would just say Can I have a hug? Of course I\'d say and I was the one who relished their touch. Biggest Hugs!!! Love Kathy
Oh dearest Vicki: I feel and understand your pain. I wish hugs would take away our pain...sigh....keep on writing and know that we are all here to listen, understand and help you. Hand and hand as we walk our journey together. Loving hugs Debbie
I\'m so sorry...those days suck, but they really do pass.
Remove yourself from those situations when you cannot listen anymore. It\'s okay... No one is judging you and if they are that is their problem and not yours. Your heart has been cracked wide open with your loss of your beloved Jennifer and there is only so much it can absorb.
Hoping today is a gentler one for you and learning how to ride the wild wave of grief takes simply doing it as you are. Some days I feel as if I\'m being smashed upon rocks, other days I can ride for awhile, yet I do notice how tired I can get, and as one of our dear moms has said other days we simply need to float. All are okay and needed to live this new life we have each been handed to navigate.
With you and I care~
Heart (((hugs)))
XO Joanie
Oh Vicki. I so understand. I suspect if you read some of my early journals you will see some entries that sound a lot like this one. The reality is setting in and it is so very painful. I too was angry, and if someone said \"she is in a better place\", I just got angry - the best place for her is with her daughter. I will never be okay with the situation. I will always feel some sadness, anger and loneliness, but I can function.
It is hard to support others when we are in such pain - I hope others are supporting you!
I have said it many times but this is a journey is like being in a rowboat in the middle of the ocean - scary and unpredictable.
I really don\'t know where I would be without FMO. This really is the only place I can come at any time, and be understood.
I do believe that our girls are dancing. I suspect Lisa was there to greet Jennifer and introduce her to the other FMO kids!
I wish I could be there to give you a real hug.
Love and caring hugs to you and Jennifer.
Marlene
Anxious, sad, tired, mad......OH YEAH!!
Deep breaths, long exhales....
You are loved dear one!
BIG HUGS AND LOVE TO YOU AND YOUR DEAR DAUGHTER JENNIFER. I LOST MY ONLY CHILD TO MY DAUGHTER ROSALIND.IT HAS BEEN 10 YEARS BUT IT WAS 10 YEARS I COULD HAVE BEEN WITH HER. I MISS HER SO MUCH. SO GLAD YOU JOINED THIS SUPPORT GROUP FOR MOMS ONLY VERY NICE LADIES ON THIS SITE. I HOPE TOMARROW IS A BETTER DAY FOR YOU. LOVE MARY ANN.