I've been angry/resentful for a long time and just realized it.

God opened my eyes to show me that I have been angry and resentful for a very long time because Smokey died.  I was angry and resentful towards:
1.  God
2.  Smokey
3.  Myself
4.  Everyone and anyone
It is so crazy.  When I would get a call about a job, I would get angry at them.  It's because I wanted Smokey back in my life and everything to be the same again.  It cannot ever go back to the way it was that is the reality of it.  I have to come to terms with this but it is not easy.  I have to pull myself up by the boot straps.  I have got to get out of this depression.  The reality is that Smokey died.  I am alive.  I have got to get my life in order in a very positive way.
When Smokey died, I thought I am a 55 year old unemployed widowed grandma so who would want me to work for them or who would want me as a partner?  I had extremely low self esteem when Smokey died.  Who would want me?  It's probably why I am with Dave who is an alcoholic.  Who would want me?  No one. So this guy is an alcoholic and is the best that I can do.  Now my eyes are opening up and I have got to get myself together again.  This is not me.  I am a very up-beat person with great faith in God.  
This journey of grief and getting my life together has been a constant struggle.  I am still struggling with everything.  Things are not revealed to you all at once.  When you are ready, things will show them selves to you.  When you are not ready, things are hidden.  I want to get my act together now.  Sigh!  
Still thinking about everything and have been for the last little while.  It is not easy and my heart goes out to everyone who has to endure this journey of loss, grief and slowly going to the road of wellness and wholeness once again  We go from loss & grief to life.  Yes, eventually we will have a wonderful life in whatever form it takes for each of us.  Each journey is different as we are all wonderful and unique individuals that God has made.  
This is what I have been up to and thinking about in this last little while.  I haven't been on DS for a time.  Now I am back again from Diane B.

Replies

deleted_user
deleted_user

Glad to see you back on DS. I think we all felt \"defeated\" after the death of our loved one. Nineteen months for me and I am just now beginning to realize that where I am is not where I want to be. I think we all have to make a decision not to take \"the path of less resistance\" and be willing to take the chances that might change our lives.
Hugs, Dianne
widowhoodsucks
widowhoodsucks

Diane,
I had many of those same emotions in the beginning. I still find myself falling back into the pit every now and then. Just getting aggravated/angry for no legit reason. You do deserve better than an alcoholic in your life and I hope you will finally be able to resolve that issue. Blessings being sent your way. Barbara
deleted_user
deleted_user

Hi Diane, I am so glad that you are back and that you are seeing things more clearly, even if it\'s just little by little. I have told you in the past and I am telling you now, you deserve much better. Have faith my friend, things will soon start to look brighter.
Hugs
Karen