I used to love my life
I loved my life over a year ago and now not so much. I use to love waking up at the same time everyday ready to go. I used to love my coffee that Im no longer allowed to drink. I use to love going through my closet and figuring out what outfit to wear to work. Now I live in sweats and tee shirts and half the time I don't even care if they are clean or not. I use to live making to do lists and accomplishing things on it. Now accomplishing getting out of bed is a big deal.
I use to love being a boss at work and taking care of the employees. Now I can't even take care of myself. I use to love driving my car that I work so hard to get and listening to the radio. Now it sits in the driveway and I can barely even look at it. I used to love sex. Now I look at John and even though I love him it's like my body won't turn on anymore. I used to love going to dinner with my friends. Now dinner is some boring high sodium meal at home on the couch.
I use to love to drink martinis. Now I'm not allowed to drink them. I use to love my diet coke. Now I'm not allowed to have that either. I use to love grocery shopping with John. Now I can barely make it through 2 aisles without feeling lightheaded. I use to love paying bills and being proud that I could. Now looking at them scares me. I use to love being a planner and scheduling fun thInge to do. Now I dread looking at my calendar and leaving my house.
I use to love to put on makeup and try out new nailpolish colors. Now my nails aren't painted and I never put on makeup. I use to love the fact that I worked so hard to get my credit in good standing. Now I'm in the process of claiming bankrupcty and can't think about it without crying. I use to love being the organizer and planning trips. Now the only trips I plan are to the doctors office.
I nee nee to find strength somewhere to accept my life as it is now but it's so hard and I'm so depressed and anxious all the time. I'll never feel normal again.
I use to love being a boss at work and taking care of the employees. Now I can't even take care of myself. I use to love driving my car that I work so hard to get and listening to the radio. Now it sits in the driveway and I can barely even look at it. I used to love sex. Now I look at John and even though I love him it's like my body won't turn on anymore. I used to love going to dinner with my friends. Now dinner is some boring high sodium meal at home on the couch.
I use to love to drink martinis. Now I'm not allowed to drink them. I use to love my diet coke. Now I'm not allowed to have that either. I use to love grocery shopping with John. Now I can barely make it through 2 aisles without feeling lightheaded. I use to love paying bills and being proud that I could. Now looking at them scares me. I use to love being a planner and scheduling fun thInge to do. Now I dread looking at my calendar and leaving my house.
I use to love to put on makeup and try out new nailpolish colors. Now my nails aren't painted and I never put on makeup. I use to love the fact that I worked so hard to get my credit in good standing. Now I'm in the process of claiming bankrupcty and can't think about it without crying. I use to love being the organizer and planning trips. Now the only trips I plan are to the doctors office.
I nee nee to find strength somewhere to accept my life as it is now but it's so hard and I'm so depressed and anxious all the time. I'll never feel normal again.
Replies
OMG! You just described my life with the exception of having to have high sodium foods.I miss all those things you listed. You should have seen how I went to my therapist and dentist appt. today!! I used to wouldn\'t go to my freakin\' mailbox like that!!lol! But it\'s true.
I was going through a divorce during my first ever manic episode and learned that my ex had taken out two credit cards and a loan he had not made good on in my name. I was raised whatever you do you MUST have good credit bc you never know when you are going to need it. So it was a big violation to my morals. I had nothing else to do but file bankruptcy and I\'m not even eligible until 2016 to try and get credit and this has been seven years already with no credit!! I am SO sorry you are going through this it was just de-moralizing to me but we find a way to get through and I know you will find your way!! HUGS!!
I used to struggle with thoughts like this too bc my life changed so drastically 2 years ago. It\'s easier now, but only sometimes. I don\'t have much good advice for getting past these thoughts...I took them to my therapist.... big (((hugs))) for you though, Red!
Red, when you list all the losses, wow, I understand how overwhelming your situation feels. The grief and anger.... keeping your mind open to positives outcomes is good advice, yet imo experience tough to do during an onslaught. You may very well have a satisfying life ahead... I send support and warm wishes. Big hugs and red velvet cake xx