I Turn to You.

I am more suicidal right now than I have been in a long time. I don't know what is wrong, I obsess about it. In my head I keep thinking about what I may writ in my letter, first being that the letter cannot get out as the suicide (by medication overdose) can be seen as accidental suicide and insurance will be paid to my father. I am so heavy. My body feels heavy and I cant sleep in past 7:30am. I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to have money troubles and I don't want to listen to my father go on and on about his money problems even though he already has a small fortune sitting in his checking account. I don't understand his new wife and the life that we're living. I am so confused, she is not a great mother figure (at least in this culture) and she just tells me with no warning that she will just be making dinner for my father and not for myself or her son. I am so depressed and I am hiding it from everyone. People think that I am doing better and that I am steaming forward. Next semester I am setting myself up for four classes that can either be good or bad.  I just moved back to my dad's house from my mom's and I now know that the two homes has entirely different cultures. In general I am so out of it. I can't remember what I did yesterday... well I cant remember what I did this morning. I will be driving home in the car and think to myself "where am I driving from?" This is painful, I don't know how much of this is being done because of medication and how much is because of the illness.  I just applied for disability and I am hoping that they grant my request and send some money my way until I get a job that will provide enough money to me. The internet says that it could be up to one or more months before I receive a response and then when will I get a payment. I don't know... I have never wanted to take money from myself and the other tax payers but I think that something is really wrong here and I need some help, at least for the time being. I don't know what else to do. It's not time for me to die, it's just time for me to pass on and to rest.