I think, therefore...oh who cares... :(

Hello, folks.  Sorry for not having been around for a while, but I've been rather weird.  I am profoundly apathetic about things of late, and lying beneath the layer of apathy lays/lies/lay a deep layer of depression. My wife was dumped by her cyber-lover, and she has been turning to me for sympathy.  She is actually believing, and blaming, the entire thing on the other person.  It is a fascinating thing to watch...this self-delusion forming before my very eyes.  She is rewriting reality, so that she has no blame and was the victim in all this.  Mental illness is fascinating to watch in action. And who am I?  I'm a man who sacrificed everything to be with this woman, and who, I can not deny, I am still deeply in love with.  And yes, I know that's fucked up somehow. Nothing gives me pleasure anymore.  I jump from one obsessive activity to another.  I've been spending my time obsessing over God, religion, and whatnot, and trying to convert creationists into seeing reason (an exercise in futility if there ever was one.)  My doc has just changed my meds, taking me off Cymbalta to good ol', classic Prozac now, talking about my overall sense of apathy. I am not in the least suicidal.  I was tempted to tell my shrink that I WAS suicidal the other day, just so that I could be taken away to a nice hospital with patients around me drooling and pissing their pants.  Someplace safe, where I wouldn't have to think...wouldn't have any responsibilities other then sleeping and eating for a few days.  Alas, I couldn't find it in me to lie like that.  I'm terrified of death...suicide only crosses my mind in very fleeting moments where it is resoundingly rejected.  I'm terrified of dying before I can fulfill the purpose that I have on this earth.  I haven't a clue what that purpose is,but I am confident I haven't accomplished it yet. Apathy with depression results, essentially, from resultant futility of fighting intolerable conditions.  From picking up the sword to fight the demons of the irrational and being beat back every time.  The sword is heavy.  What's the point of picking it up if your just going to get clawed anyway.   Is this what insanity feels like? Anyway, enough of this Marvin the Paranoid Android-like post.  And if you don't know what I am talking about, it means that you haven't read the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy.  This is idiotic.  Read the damned book! Hugs and love to everyone.  I mean it. Alphonsus