I think it has begun; trying to keep together
Ok so as I am sure everyone can tell I have been holding myself together by just pretending that it isn't happening to some extent. As I am sure most of us have done is push the feeling and emotions that threaten to overtake us so far down so that we can numb ourselves out.
Well my armor started to get a chink in it last night. Everything was going great. We enjoyed ourselves in "adult grown-up fun" even though it was like hot as hell still when we went to bed. It was afterwards that I quietly broke down. We lay there quietly holding hands and then the it hit me that I won't always beable to do this. The threatening feeling of loss, like a part of my soul was going to be missing hit me like a ton of bricks. I had a lil bit of tears cascade from my eyes. Then I forced myself to quit because I still have him for a lil bit of time. So I quit crying and relished the feel of his skin. The texture that I felt and fell asleep with his hand in mine.
Just crazy emotional mess. Had to put it down on the journal to document how I am feeliing. Now that I have I can release and let it go for now ^_^
Well my armor started to get a chink in it last night. Everything was going great. We enjoyed ourselves in "adult grown-up fun" even though it was like hot as hell still when we went to bed. It was afterwards that I quietly broke down. We lay there quietly holding hands and then the it hit me that I won't always beable to do this. The threatening feeling of loss, like a part of my soul was going to be missing hit me like a ton of bricks. I had a lil bit of tears cascade from my eyes. Then I forced myself to quit because I still have him for a lil bit of time. So I quit crying and relished the feel of his skin. The texture that I felt and fell asleep with his hand in mine.
Just crazy emotional mess. Had to put it down on the journal to document how I am feeliing. Now that I have I can release and let it go for now ^_^
Replies
Oooh, you made me cry. I know this has to be SO hard. At least you had this time. We didn\'t get any warning. But I wonder if it is even harder that way. Once we knew he had to turn himself in, so we just ran. I am NOT saying to do that. We just couldn\'t do it.
I know the knots in your stomach right now, I know the sadness is overwhelming, and you are doing real good at keeping it in check for now.
We cried together that time. We tried to prepare, but there was no way to prepare for what was in store for us.
This time we were simply going out for a fun night. A night that never happened. Instead he was arrested on bogus crap.
We are reeeeally here for you, especially the next few weeks. Those will be the hardest. The \" adjustment period\", even there is no way to really adjust.
Hold him tight, and make it good the next 2 days. My heart is breaking for you. I wish so much it wasn\'t happening to you. You are a very special person, so he must be too.
Oh how I miss looking into my guys beautiful eyes, and touching him. The last time I got to visit him, we held hands the whole 3 hours, pretty much. Treasure every second. And pray for miracles.
OMG I wish I could be there now for you. No one can really help you get through this, but maybe a little. I am crying for you, and for me too. Yep a little selfish ain\'t it? But I think all of us reading this can relate. We do feel your pain, your heartache and your fear.
I am glad your parents will be staying with you. That will help. Believe me a quiet house all of the time is awful. I hope they will let you have your space when you need it. Go sit by a lake, and cry, or go somewhere you guys used to go. Maybe you can remember, and feel like he is there. I do that from time to time, usually end up crying, but I sit and think of when we were there.
I have tears for you right now. Tell him also he is in my thoughts. He must have alot of anguish too. Hug him tight, kiss him tons. Lay with your head on his chest and listen to his heart beat while he is sleeping. That\'s what I miss most. I miss the contented look on his face when he slept. I miss his breathing on my neck as I layed on his shoulder. He slept, I just layed there and took it all in. Even when I didn\'t know he was going \" away\".
I will be thinking of you, lots.
i can relate so well to what your going through in letting him go. my bf had to turn himself in on feb 28th so we had three weeks together, and every single minute was priceless. hold him tight. remember everything about him, his touch, his scent. i miss simply touching my bf. we have non contact visits and keeping us from simply touching is a great punishment to both of us. you\'ll be in my prayers.
Thanks Ladies for your positive words. I am donig ok right now. Hugn out with his parents yesterday for dinner and that went alright. He started making a list of all the important stuff me and parents need to know and everything. Tonight I think the plan is to get a small group of people together to hangout.
So we have a good support group going tomorrow. I took a note from wisconsin that it will hopefully show that no matter what he has the support of family and friends. So if I calculated right there will be about 10 or so people going to be there including myself. It isn\'t a mass of people but it is enough to show our love and support ..... Thanks again ladies for being there